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Walkin' on the spiderwebs
So I had an interesting bout with my phobia today. I was in Southie to feed blue's cats, which is a decent shlep for those of you who don't know where she lives and where I live. As I walked around the back of her house the very first thing I saw was a monster spider, we must be talking an inch total diameter, hanging from a 2nd floor overhang. I could see from 15 feet away that it was the big stripey kind, and just seeing stripes from that far away isn't cool with me. The web its position implied was extensive and worrisome. So I sidled around it at a prudent (you might say laughable) distance, partly keeping my eyes on it and partly with my glance frantically darting around for more of its ilk. The whole time I was thinking if another of those beauties is strung across the stairs, I can name you some kitties who aren't getting fed today.
Well, careful scrutiny revealed nothing beyond the usual small webs on the stairs, so I got up them. And there on the deck, hanging eerily in midair between the back door and a plant was... yes, the little cousin of Big Papa down below (who, by the way, I could still see from up there, and was continuing to freak me out). Augh! I didn't mean it, universe! I froze, of course. Then finally realized that it was not actually between me and the keys. So, babbling aloud to it and myself that we would both leave each other alone, one eye fixed on it and the other on Big Papa, I managed to get a porch chair between it and myself, sidle along the deck, tip the planter under which the keys were to be found, snag them, and do the whole thing in reverse. Some of the reverse part, in fact, was done at a fair clip. Around to the front door I galloped in triumph. Yay me!!!!!!eleven!
Which is when the universe kicked me--the keys I had didn't work on the front door and none of the neighbors were home to let me in. I called![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bluechromis to confirm this sorry fact, then stood on the street for at least 10 minutes cursing and trying to talk myself into going back around. It was, alas, unreasonable to do anything else. I would gladly have bribed a passerby to help me, but there were none. And so I grabbed a stick off the street and eased carefully around Big Papa and up the stairs going you did this part before, you did this part before. And there followed another 10 minutes or so of grimacing and staring at little cousin trying to figure out the structure of his web and forming a battle plan. Subjectively speaking, this was the majority of my day today. As I stared, insects flew close to the web twice and I about had a heart attack each time thinking one would get stuck and I'd have to see it. Finally I assumed a fighting stance and flung my empty Starbucks cup at the cousin in Stage 1 of a knock 'im off the web, then sweep the web away strategy that was meant to avoid me having to see any dangling, or swinging, or any such thing that would make me scream. Wellllll... I aimed too high, the cousin swung down and against the door where it cowered in terror, and I screamed. Rats. There went dignity. Then, taking a death grip on a folded-up chair, I swept the area where the web was, and finally moved in and smished the spider. More sweeping of small webs from the door frame, and I was ready to walk up to the door and actually go in. What a relief to only have cat shit to deal with! How sweet the cries of blue's kitties!
And I only noticed much later that my hands were hurt from gripping the chair so hard.
It's weird how I'm constantly pushing on this one, but it hasn't seemed to get better for years. Like I always say, that which does not kill you can weaken you, or scare you shitless, or leave you with scars, or kill someone else, or just make you tired. There's a chance that it will make you stronger, yes, but that should not be counted on. I do wonder sometimes about intensive shock therapy where I have to sweep away spiderweb after spiderweb, with a therapist, all day until all my adrenaline was used up and I just got bored... but even that wouldn't do anything against the shock of sometimes seeing things dangling in space where they shouldn't be, and climbing around in empty space using more limbs than I can understand, on a structure whose extent I can't see. (Tidbit: in the woods when it's foggy and every strand is visible, webs don't scare me at all.) I did a good job today, but overall it's probably hopeless.
Well, careful scrutiny revealed nothing beyond the usual small webs on the stairs, so I got up them. And there on the deck, hanging eerily in midair between the back door and a plant was... yes, the little cousin of Big Papa down below (who, by the way, I could still see from up there, and was continuing to freak me out). Augh! I didn't mean it, universe! I froze, of course. Then finally realized that it was not actually between me and the keys. So, babbling aloud to it and myself that we would both leave each other alone, one eye fixed on it and the other on Big Papa, I managed to get a porch chair between it and myself, sidle along the deck, tip the planter under which the keys were to be found, snag them, and do the whole thing in reverse. Some of the reverse part, in fact, was done at a fair clip. Around to the front door I galloped in triumph. Yay me!!!!!!eleven!
Which is when the universe kicked me--the keys I had didn't work on the front door and none of the neighbors were home to let me in. I called
bluechromis to confirm this sorry fact, then stood on the street for at least 10 minutes cursing and trying to talk myself into going back around. It was, alas, unreasonable to do anything else. I would gladly have bribed a passerby to help me, but there were none. And so I grabbed a stick off the street and eased carefully around Big Papa and up the stairs going you did this part before, you did this part before. And there followed another 10 minutes or so of grimacing and staring at little cousin trying to figure out the structure of his web and forming a battle plan. Subjectively speaking, this was the majority of my day today. As I stared, insects flew close to the web twice and I about had a heart attack each time thinking one would get stuck and I'd have to see it. Finally I assumed a fighting stance and flung my empty Starbucks cup at the cousin in Stage 1 of a knock 'im off the web, then sweep the web away strategy that was meant to avoid me having to see any dangling, or swinging, or any such thing that would make me scream. Wellllll... I aimed too high, the cousin swung down and against the door where it cowered in terror, and I screamed. Rats. There went dignity. Then, taking a death grip on a folded-up chair, I swept the area where the web was, and finally moved in and smished the spider. More sweeping of small webs from the door frame, and I was ready to walk up to the door and actually go in. What a relief to only have cat shit to deal with! How sweet the cries of blue's kitties!And I only noticed much later that my hands were hurt from gripping the chair so hard.
It's weird how I'm constantly pushing on this one, but it hasn't seemed to get better for years. Like I always say, that which does not kill you can weaken you, or scare you shitless, or leave you with scars, or kill someone else, or just make you tired. There's a chance that it will make you stronger, yes, but that should not be counted on. I do wonder sometimes about intensive shock therapy where I have to sweep away spiderweb after spiderweb, with a therapist, all day until all my adrenaline was used up and I just got bored... but even that wouldn't do anything against the shock of sometimes seeing things dangling in space where they shouldn't be, and climbing around in empty space using more limbs than I can understand, on a structure whose extent I can't see. (Tidbit: in the woods when it's foggy and every strand is visible, webs don't scare me at all.) I did a good job today, but overall it's probably hopeless.
pwned
That's the one thing that always cracked me up about spiders in the movies, they alway seem to human-like. They always know where to hide in waiting, etc. That's because they have a human intelligence behind it all (a script). A 'real' movie about spiders would probably be pretty boring since they won't do what you want them to do and they'll most likely scurry away (depending on breed).
Anyway, you survived. Take a deep breath, put your hands over your head and declare yourself 'TEH WINNAH!'
Re: pwned
But anyway. You are right. I killed it. As for food chain... what does eat spiders? Birds? Because I sure don't.
Re: pwned
Re: pwned