flexagon: (Default)
My backbend is returning to me. I find I don't have to work on it particularly hard, if I work on it steadily once or twice a week. A few times this fall I've successfully bonked my chest on the wall (one of the things I wanted to maintain through 2017, but in fact didn't have for most of the year), and last Sunday and today I did a kickover from my backbend. Not only does it feel good to have that again, it means I can get my back walkover soon -- pretty much as soon as I take some time to work on the drop-back from standing. It'll be at least my third time of working up to that, maybe fourth.

I'm worrying about other people much more than I am about myself, right now. OK, sure, my press handstand work is coming along slowly and I have a mysterious bald spot, but things are all right. Heading into a quiet quarter at work helps. Nala curling up on the thermo-reflective bed I bought her helps even more. There's bacon in the fridge. I really want my friends to be similarly all right, but some of them are hurting.

In random internet reading, I was hit kind of hard by this story of a fuck-off fund. When I was younger I always knew I wanted to be financially self-reliant, but I never really thought about it as an anti-abuse measure. Clearly, clearly it is. Ouch.
flexagon: (wtf-cat)
Well, this is bizarre. Yesterday I was sitting with my fingers in my hair, and my finger felt like it was touching a smooth spot. I'd felt this one time before, like maybe a week or two ago, and at the time the smooth spot felt maybe a finger-width across but I never went looking for it, just wrote it off as some irregularity in hair growth. Yesterday I felt it again, or maybe more, and decided to lift the hair off where my finger was and go looking with a hand mirror (plus a wall mirror).

Holy crap, I have a bald spot! I got [personal profile] heisenbug to measure it, and it's an inch and a half across in all directions. It's not gross -- in fact, it's very smooth and pettable. It is unexpected, however.

Per the internet, the sudden appearance of a single, round bald spot means this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alopecia_areata

It's auto-immune, not really harmful, and often resolves on its own after a few months to a year, but Smitten got steroid shots to fix the same thing a few years ago and she gave me her dermatologist's contact info (closed for Columbus Day, of course).

I'm feeling very lucky about this spot being hidden. It doesn't show when my hair is either down or in a ponytail, and that means the whole thing is a curiosity. If it showed, I'd feel super self-conscious about it.
flexagon: (blech)
Street festivals...fun if there's warning and one is prepared for them, surreal nightmare of crowding and noise and a surprising feeling of public exposure if one is not.

I will probably never like Honk, but particularly not as long as I live so close to the square -- I can hear it from my house, inescapably -- and when it happens on a hot day. This time it blocked the TWO closest ways to my sandwich, and when I finally got there they were out of what I went for.
flexagon: for all creative endeavors (drawing-cat)
Also, here is my fabulous new icon for anything having to do with creativity/creation. It's from this comic strip, which has a few other gems.
flexagon: (balancing)
Here is my new favorite quote from the week:

At every moment of our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.


...by Paulo Coelho, who apparently is a Brazilian lyricist and novelist who tweets. Here are some more quotes for me to go read, though I don't know if any of them will capture the double-edged nature of living with a brain quite as well as the one above.

Yesterday was a Very Poly Day that could have turned Very Slutty but did not: brunch with Quarte (the first time I'd seen him in weeks), and dinner with the cute little 30yo and her fiance and [personal profile] heisenbug. At the same time, [personal profile] norwoodbridge was having an afternoon-through-overnight date #3 with his new girlfriend, a fine thing to distract myself from. I'd been feeling morose all week about the capacity of human beings to meet each others' needs to begin with, and kind of thought I might end things with Quarte. Really, with my other stuff as it is I can't see him very often (often enough to do any good?) while also having it be maintainable. But he said he'd rather see me less often than throw in the towel, and he was nice to me when I maybe dripped a tear or two on his shirt over the stupidness of being human in general. I guess making me brunch and giving me a backrub was also him being nice to me. So, he gets to stay in rotation. :-) I'm not sure what else happened, except that everyone still seems to like each other and today everyone I've spoken to is catching up on chores.

I haven't really felt awake and alert for a week or so now. Burnout? Maybe the brownies I'm baking will help with that feeling.
flexagon: (Default)
Life is tiring, I'm exhausted, and my nose is stuffy. Wednesday I really wanted to just make a few noises like I imagine a wounded rhinoceros would make, and go back to bed. But I didn't, and I had my meetings, though I did go sit in the cafeteria for lunch instead of working (unusual for me, and basically a sign of feeling unmotivated).

What's going on this week? I rendered my cannabis into coconut oil for baking, which I should try to use soon; did some good handstand press drills on my own on Monday after the good lesson last weekend; and found out that I'm going to be chairing the promotion committee I'll be part of in about ten days. First time. Ulp. No pressure.

Not important, but my gaming mojo is holding. I got the last memento I was holding out for in Neko Atsume (luck/patience), and got the last achievement in Open Sorcery (skill). I want to be playing Monument Valley 2 but apparently it's now going to be released on Android "sometime before the end of the year". Grump. I don't really like that I've been playing games that rely so heavily on random number generation, and feel ready to go back to pure skill-based ones, so the delay here is annoying.
flexagon: (pant pant pant)
On Friday my boss asked me how I was and I said "Urgggggggh, I really need a weekend off" so that's what I'm taking. Today so far I slept 10.5 hours, finally caught a Raikou in Pokemon Go, and made it to the sock store to buy some new iLux Nu-Nuvola socks. In theory I think $20 socks with cashmere and silk in them are as ridiculous as you do, but the one pair I bought last Christmas with [personal profile] apfelsingail has been in constant rotation since then and are by far my favorite socks, with basically no signs of wear or shrinkage, so another pair seemed called for. (Plus, the walk was good for hatching eggs for the Pokemon Go Equinox event.)

Trading a couple of emails/texts with Quarte and the cute girl was nice for remembering that new/tentative things (at least when I have them) don't always feel threatening to older things.

I also went out to Boonfuck Waltham to work with Fine-J, who did a nice job guiding me back toward perfectionist training without giving me too much shit for my sloppy work in between lessons. He also reassured me that I'm not the only person to lie awake thinking self-hating thoughts about my spinal proprioception... yeah, most people may not do that, but a lot of circus people, he says, can relate. I did some good presses off an elevation for him, and felt less alone afterward.
flexagon: (Default)
Last week I went to view the mountains! No, not really. You'd just think that from the name of the town I visited, where my company is based. I had a good visit, and kept things simple by avoiding most social obligations and simply getting a massage on Wednesday to get my dose of physical touch.

On the flight back I got great news from the minion whose fate was hanging in the balance in my last corporate-whining post: he's found a job in his new office, helped along perhaps by my own letters to his soon-to-be-manager. Which means that my bumbling (and the director's bumbling) didn't ultimately cost him his job, and he's not lost to Zillian just because he's lost to my team -- which now happens at/around the end of October, rather than in two weeks. My relief practically made me melt on the plane.

In weirder news, [personal profile] norwoodbridge went from an OKC hello chat to "yeah, I liked her, we had sex!" with a new person while I was gone. I spent about a day having no idea how I felt about that, because I don't always access my emotional side too well while on a business trip (and I hadn't seen [personal profile] norwoodbridge for a week and a half at that point, so he wasn't feeling very real either). I was pleased a day or so later to find that I felt fine: the new girl seems cool, the whole thing is reasonable, she lives far enough away that she can't be, uh, super spontaneous in a way that would bother me. Basically I know Norwood's been wanting a new thing and this new thing seems good. I might even be compersing, mildly? Too early to say, but this very initial response seems decently in line with, I guess, being the person I'd like to be. More generous. Not so damn scared all the time.

([personal profile] heisenbug also has a first date on Thursday. The poly network is really hopping.)

I finished The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet, a lovely SF book that focuses on the humanity of the characters (yes, even the alien ones) and generally satisfies. I foresee it making an appearance around Christmas for certain people who like it character-driven, and I also foresee its sequel arriving at my door in a couple of days. I'm trying to think what to compare it to... it has a small cast of specific characters kind of like Starfish or The Sparrow, but its characters have a warmth and depth more like The Book of Strange New Things or Never Let Me Go. At any rate, recommended.
flexagon: (like smiley)
But wait! A few good things happened this week, too!

I went on a date with a bitsy little girl (woman yes, of course, but she's so little... seven inches shorter than me, and nine years younger), and she took me back to her place and got me high and kissed me. So nice. And if I sounded a little bit passive there -- well, you say lazy fuck, I say aikido master. :-) It was pretty chill but the way is open for more dates, either double or just us, after my business trip.

I've also really been enjoying playing Open Sorcery, on my phone. It's a text-based adventure game that is geeky, queer-friendly, sweet and nasty by turns, and very replayable (with about 10 endings, and the opportunity to subvert pretty much every goal). My favorite aspect by far is that it's possible to make friends with almost all of one's supposed enemies, even the final boss, though there are tradeoffs. Definitely recommended.

Dang it. I know there was a third thing, and it wasn't just the new Tori Amos album. Oh, yes, [personal profile] coraline helped remind me: it was seeing the new 7 Digits show and having it include a tall skinny girl! I don't usually think of my body type being underrepresented, but in circus it kind of is, because smaller is better for both flying and handbalancing. This girl had a rhythmic gymnastics background though, and was super flexible, and did silks and an awesome hoop/contortion act with her long, long legs looking fantastic. And there was a handbalancing act, too.
flexagon: (blue)
Sometime late this week I encountered a really good lentil-and-rice food, mujadara, in one of the work cafes. There are a million recipes online but I think I'll try this one soon; it looks fairly plain, like the one I had. Something about it kind of hit my "people chow" button, by which I mean I can imagine it coming in giant 20lb bags labeled People Chow and that it would make for a pretty satisfying diet (compared to other 20lb bags of glop). It's also dairy-free, gluten-free and pareve. If I can make some as good as they had at Zillian, I'll try making up a batch and freezing portions for dinners.

It's been a good week for handstands. This Monday was my first time working totally solo in a planned, going-to-be-weekly way, and I basically did press exercises until dizzy and shaky (including pressing off my lowest surface yet, possibly in an ugly way). Wednesday in LCS class I succeeded in a new press drill, one where I lean my head into the wall and do a press handstand -- and which I repeated on Friday and again today, making it officially Not A Fluke. Today I went to see my secondary coach -- does he seriously not have a name yet? I shall call him Fine-J -- and got a bunch of positive feedback and a handful of new drills for the next few times.

And, sigh, I bought clothes. Partly because stuff is on sale at Nomads, including this gorgeous tank top that was totally worth it at full price, but also because things wear out, circus schools change their dress codes, and things start bugging me that didn't bug me before. I can win in the short term, but things don't stay okay. So in exchange for the two long-sleeve Nomads tops, I am ousting my last two green tops, both of which have burnout patterns that faded into teal/blue near the bottom and both of which are too busy and off-palette for me to enjoy wearing anymore. Good riddance. Green is, with the exception of one last T-shirt, dead -- long live blue, purple, gray and black.
flexagon: (Default)
Two of my friends have, in the last week, told me of the great gains they've made recently by obsessing over something and training it every day for a while. Time for a September challenge?

(I can't reasonably load my wrists for handstands every day, but I could do some hanging drills.)
flexagon: (it-is-likely)
I don't talk about therapist stuff a lot here, but I'm going to talk about this morning's session because it was our last one. As I said last time I mentioned the possibility of stopping, we hadn't had too much to talk about lately, and I could use my Tuesday mornings back. So we cut to every other week for three final sessions, and sure enough, I made good use of the "off" Tuesday mornings and nothing bad happened, so today we said our indefinite farewell.

I learned something really obvious from her, which is that my emotional system does process things -- sometimes it's deliberate and sometimes it's some natural metabolic process related to time passing. When I first started seeing this lady I was struggling with something too big for me, which wasn't fading or changing (at least in my mind), and so I also definitely learned that sometimes my emotional system can need help. But more often a thing will happen, and I'll feel terrible one week and a little less terrible the next week, and a little less the week after that. The idea that I can generally trust this process to happen sounds trite but is kind of a game-changer for me; I've been very used to putting effort into everything. And for my initial problem I did need to. But for many/most problems, maybe I don't. Which makes them more like events than problems, really.

Second distillation of everything: given that reactions to bad things fade, and given that reactions to good things fade too, and given that I've spent too much time lately observing folks turning inward and turning against newness and skill-building, and given the way that memories form... oh, and given my vacation experiences earlier this year... novelty really matters, both for personal growth and also for happiness. Even for steady-steering people like me.

And something from my notes: Regrets are inverted worries, protecting us from what we feel in the present moment by pulling us into thoughts of the past instead of thoughts of the future. (Is that pithy or what?) That said, life entirely without regrets is too much to ask of ourselves, and I shouldn't beat myself up for feeling one every now and then.

We had a nice goodbye. I asked whether she has a new Tuesday morning person (she thinks she does), and wished that person well in a passing-the-torch kind of way, and told her that I think she does a ton of good in the world. She, for her part, said that it had been a pleasure, and she feels like I'm well-equipped to keep taking on the world for a while. We'll be thinking of each other for a while. And I'm likely to send her a letter after six months or twelve months, just to let her know how the current cliffhangers turn out: promotion, old cat, new-ish boy, things like that. She said she'd like it, and it'll give me a nice feeling like wrapping up an email thread, so why not?
flexagon: (balancing)
Back from Oregon, and my head feels overstuffed as the anxieties and to-do lists come back into focus.

Seeing some older couples close-up is always fascinating -- this time, [personal profile] heisenbug's parents and my mother and her husband (who didn't actually show, but who was discussed). I know, it's only two data points. But in both cases it's the older man who is closing off and becoming less interested in learning/doing new things. In both cases, intriguingly, the older man is exercising a fair amount but always in very straightforward/controlled environments. One is doing a lot of indoor stationary-bike riding, but is having more and more trouble with his balance, and decidedly not working on balance or any lateral motions with any form of exercise or physical therapy. The other is at least still doing folk dance and some kayaking, which help with balance, but is losing flexibility without working on it and is becoming less open to learning new dances. In both cases the women now travel more than the men do. Whyyyyyyy? What is happening to these folks? It's scary. I wonder what I'll see next year (or thereabouts) when I see my dad and his wife, and I wonder what I'll see around me when I'm in my 70s.

Unrelated: one of my team's best people at work is moving away very soon, and it looks like HR is going to block my plan to have him work for me remotely for a few months. Argh! Big companies. :-/ The only thing worse is a small company. Anyway, here's my next really bad managerial problem to solve. Apparently dealing well with shit like this is exactly what I get high performance ratings for now, so I'd better put a brave face on it and get scrappy. (Or, as a popular internal meme would have it, drop the "s". Just "crappy". It's cleaner.)

Must not forget, one of my best handstand buddies just got her press last week. I have mixed feelings about this -- some jealousy, of course, but also the feeling of losing a friend who was on the same journey. And anxiety over some skills she clearly gained by working with a coach who I've never clicked with, a coach who in fact a lot of people say is great but who has only ever shown me bland feedback combined with an inability to break down skills. Yeah, it's me, I'm missing something there. That said, I'm working with my own special different coach, and we all have different paths, and.... agggggh. Maybe I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'll ever attain my stupid overly-difficult goal. I need to not think about this too hard.

On the plus side, I successfully and efficiently bought new Nikes in the airport, leaving them the box and also my old sneaks to recycle -- a most satisfying minimalist upgrade. Does anyone else remember when we used to expect to break in new shoes? These days I'll only tolerate that for heavy leather boots. Everything else needs to feel okay immediately. Shoes, I think, have gotten better.
flexagon: (fabulous-caterpillar)
I'm in Oregon, having flown out on Saturday, and this morning saw a total solar eclipse -- my first. We had eclipse glasses, clear skies over my in-laws' street, and a good social environment, with neighbors out and about but no overwhelming crowds. [personal profile] heisenbug was doing camera fussing, so I got to experience almost all of it pretty independently.

At first it was just a tiny bite removed from the sun, at about 1:00 or 1:30, and my stated hypothesis involved a tiny, nibbly sky-mouse. Sky-mouse was hungry though, and the bite kept growing. I couldn't have told without the eclipse glasses, though, for quite a while; everything was bright and hot, like before. After a while I made a pinhole device with foil, a roll of tape and a safety pin, just to make sure science was still working, but there wasn't much in the way of being awestruck. Yet.

Half an hour later, the half-gone sun was bright, but not so hot and burning: maybe what it would be like if the planet were a bit further away, but not as far as Mars. I started to spot the phenomenon I'd most been looking forward to: crescent dapples on the sidewalk, as leaves on the trees formed natural pinholes. I took photos, led people to the best trees creating the effect, and, prosaically, ran to the bathroom as totality approached.

Back out on the street with a few minutes left to go, it was definitely less bright and less hot. It got rather cool, in fact, and the sunlight quickly got weak and strained. Through the eclipse glasses, the crescent was thin, and getting shorter rapidly. I heard someone say "this has a name, this flickering", and yeah, without the glasses there were ripples in the light of the sun. I could see the street flicker and it was really, truly, eerie. If one thing could have made me think the sun was going out for good, it would have been those flickers.

I put my glasses back on, and there came a moment when the tiny orange crescent winked out. "That's it, it's gone" people said, and I took off the glasses and there was a giant hole hanging in the sky. It was stunning, just as stunning as they say. The corona was HUGE, forming a giant trapezoid around the sun instead of the thin ring I might have been expecting, and I never remembered to look around the horizon for sunset colors everywhere because HOLE IN THE SKY OH MY GOD. I'll never see anything blacker than that. The world hadn't really ended, but it had stopped. It was all on pause.

After some time I managed to hit send on the "OMG totality" email draft I had prepared earlier to send to [personal profile] norwoodbridge. And [personal profile] heisenbug came running over from his tripod, and I hastily said "Kissing under an eclipse is good luck" and we had a quick smooch. But the sky, the sky, hole in the sky oh my god.

People started counting down to the end of totality. I stared to the very end, and had a momentary flash of the "diamond ring effect" as light burst through at one searing point. I quickly got my glasses back on and the effect was gone, replaced by a tiny crescent (through glasses) and the eerie flickers lighting the street again for thirty seconds or so (around the glasses).

The rest was a rewind, as the sun gained brightness again and, later, its heat. We showed more people the crescent-dotted shadows, which are quite extreme right after totality, and waited, and the world got back to normal.

This event had a fierceness that a lunar eclipse can't match. For one thing, the heat of the sun being cut off is more important than the light. For another, with this there's something blocking the eclipsed body; it's not a mere shadow, something is physically interposed and in the way. For a third, those flickers, like a light bulb about to burn out. For a fourth, day turning to night, which is far more affecting than night turning to slightly darker night. I didn't have any deep spiritual experiences or get totally incoherent, but I was awestruck, and certainly don't regret the plane ticket it took to get here.
flexagon: (Default)
Thursday broke from the usual schedule with a company trip to Six Flags, where a light rain kept the crowds away and kept me from sunburning or overheating. Yeah roller coasters, yeah. The first one was huge, and scared me a lot -- I said I wouldn't scream, but out from my mouth came the high-pitched sounds of alarm, anyway, as if I were going to successfully warn my tribe that there was danger over here in the loop of the coaster. But my proprioceptors warmed up to the idea of going on rides, and I relaxed and started enjoying the floaty feelings soon enough (the Joker is excellent, by the way: very new this year, very smooth, and no sideways/spinny motions, for those who are bothered by such). Swooping down the initial drop of my old favorite the Mind Eraser, [personal profile] heisenbug by my side, laughing, leaning forward, with the summer rain blowing into my open mouth... that was a good moment.

Wednesday brought a date with [personal profile] coraline, who called me back to reality on my plans to unlock Quarte's sexual potential like a game achievement for the benefit of all players: "He's not a Pokemon". OK fine, it's true, but there was some level-up this weekend anyway. It actually is going pretty steadily, I'd say about 100 points per raid. :-P And it had a weirdly sad moment: I found an odd lump in his thigh that turns out to be an errant, subcutaneous bone chip (or bone nub; he was born with it). It's right on the outside of the thigh, not tucked away, so the sad moment was when he said "[Asexual ex-girlfriend] never found it." In three years she never found it? Ouch. I think she didn't touch him very much.

For the most part the week was bonkers, with Too Many Social Engagements by far; especially the four in a row on Saturday night, which hogged my weekend and also demanded much emotional labor in the form of talking/listening about acro community shitshows. I feel pulled at, in several directions. I stayed just ahead of my to-do list, though, and may eventually be okay.

For those who like links, the most hilarious thing I've read all week is The Strange Log, and the nicest song I've encountered all week is Small Song by Lhasa De Sela, which is reminiscent of early Fiona Apple.
flexagon: (like smiley)
Yes, I am a total dork who was willing, this time, to mess up her workout schedule for the sake of legendary but virtual birds. Yesterday was the big Pokemon Go festival in Chicago, which was kind of a disaster on the ground -- but a ton of tolks turned out in Boston, catching as many Pokemon as we could during the three half-hour "catch challenge" windows. The idea, which was cool, was that we could help unlock stuff for the folks in Chicago and they, in turn, could unlock stuff for us. I hung with some nice people, racked up lots of points and helped raid a Muk so that someone could get her first.

The day's plans for Chicago kind of fell apart. So, in apology and very unusual fan-service, Niantic unlocked ALL the worldwide rewards that were supposed to be possible if the fest went really well, and also released two different legendary Pokemon as part of the raid system. Nobody knows whether these two are going to keep being available after this 48-hour window of double candy/XP/etc, so today Boston was SWARMING with groups of people carpooling from one legendary raid to another. I leapt out of the house myself, and rode in a lot of strangers' cars, with my Pokemon T-shirt and my big external battery providing street cred.

And what a day! My very first legendary raid (for an Articuno) yielded not only the Articuno itself, but also Level 34 for me. I got one more Articuno out of two more raids, and one Lugia out of four Lugia raids (that fucker's hard to catch). I figured I was done, and very happily so as it was already really late for lunch, but I was going to tag along for another raid near home -- then the girl I was getting coffee with said there was an Unown in Harvard Square, and I leaped into a Lyft and we raced for it! The driver was awesome about it. He wasn't into Pokemon but wanted to know how it worked, how long we had to get there, etc, and we got there and he watched me catch it while I explained. Then he gave me a huge grin and high-five, and yeah, I tipped him pretty darn well. I worked off the buzzy energy by walking around getting quadruple points on new Pokestops for a while, then headed home for real for a shower and a start on my promotion rationale for work.

So fun.
flexagon: (simplify)
My breakup with dynamic acro is A-OK so far. No more stress about finding bases, a clearer head, and a nice date night with [personal profile] heisenbug after handstands last Monday. I did meet up with someone on Thursday night to work on that long, difficult acroyoga flow, and I don't know if it's the right thing to work on that when he's also maybe working on it with someone else (sigh), but it's different and fun and he's an old, comfortable friend.

I sold my bike yesterday, with all its accessories, after an eBay post had been up for a week. I met up with its future rider, and it turns out she'd been stalking my exact model of bike for years, including the era -- my bike is from ~2009, just before they changed the brake system to be less gorgeously archaic. She'd already paid my asking price before meeting up, and even declined the offer to take it for a spin on the bike path before making a final decision. Already in love, she said. :-) She told me a story about having been a serious long-distance bike racer before having kids, and how she now wants to just enjoy riding and not go fast. That, of course, is what Dutch city bikes are for, so it's perfect, and I can feel good about all of this. (Update: oh no, I jinxed myself! It doesn't quite fit her, and she is returning it.)

Goodbye to my therapist? A couple of appointments ago, my therapist and I began to bat around the idea of stopping seeing each other. It's been about fifteen months, and the truth is that we often haven't had a lot to talk about lately. I do find it scary to contemplate giving up the guaranteed, high-end emotional support, because what if something bad happens and I can't handle it? But getting my Tuesday mornings back would be phenomenal. And the changes I initially said I wanted, when I started working with her, have indeed come to pass in the time we've been working together. She suggests a "conscious uncoupling" of sorts, during which we spend the last appointment or two kind of summarizing the things we've covered and learned together, and packing it up as a toolkit that I can take with me. I like that idea, and it might be time.
flexagon: (Default)
This week had some weird emotional stuff at work. It wasn't a normal week to begin with, because I spent two days teaching instead of doing my usual. Then there was the part where I spoke about my childhood in front of a crowd of coworkers (minimally and lightly, but still), and also the part where I was hearing about something sad in another part of my team and I got to see my boss cry. :-( This is all totally separate from the HR issue that also blew up after business hours one day, sending four of us little managers scurrying around to each other to decide to escalate, together, above our vacationing director to the VP. We didn't have full consensus on doing that, either, despite it being in my opinion an obvious call. *headdesk*

I saw Quarte yesterday and pried his foot off another inch or so off the sexual brake. He's been a little overwrought about sex, if you ask me, and a couple of weeks ago he'd expressed that having an orgasm with someone felt scary because it felt like giving them his soul. So last week I told him that if someone were to accidentally give me a soul, that would be okay: I would hold onto it for a few minutes, take care of it and then give it back. Apparently that stuck and was the Right Thing To Say! Good. Little wins, I will take them. Still no soul-transfers (or intercourse, for that matter: GRUMP), but at this point there should probably be a friendly betting pool on when.

Working toward a breakup with serious structured acro. Or, actually, done, today -- my latest partner's usual performance partner is free to take dynamic with him, so I'm out and they're in. I want my Monday evenings back, and I want to work on stuff that will actually pay off. Of course upon sending the final text I got hit with a wave of very unpleasant FOMO, but that's the point, brain, let's do miss out on an awkward schedule with hard work that doesn't go anywhere and a weird "are you in the in-club" feeling attached! So, today I went out to the park for the first time in a long time. That was a good call. I got to vent to people who Understood, and do very nice standing hand-to-hands on three different people including [personal profile] soong, and I walked away with one person who'd like to take private lessons and one person who'd like to video a particular (long) acroyoga flow. So I feel better, and like I can ease off on the stressful stuff without my acrolife having to be entirely over, even though the jams are time-consuming and I've been feeling edgy about time lately.

Speaking of which, the work email calls.
flexagon: (Default)
Sitting at the back of a classroom, having to be ready to help the teacher catch some dumb Javascript mistake at any moment while he's live-coding, I'm too jittery to do nothing but can't do anything too attention-absorbing, either. So, here are some tabs I've had open for a while.


  • Badgers in love comic, because it's adorable. "Offer's open." :-)

  • To my friends on the spectrum: covers the basic idea that if people ask you what you're doing, the meta-question is whether they can join you. In fact, a straight-up answer will turn people off. I've found this to be less true in adulthood, possibly because people are more into their chosen hobbies by now, and a lot of extreme activities aren't easily or safely joinable. But when I was younger I sure could have used this article.

  • Geeks, MOPs and Sociopaths -- about the typical rise and evolution and fall of subcultures. This was presented to me on FB, and rang dreadfully true to me in the context of the Boston acroyoga scene. Clearly I was a Geek there, and I could name some of the Sociopaths. I quote: Fanatics do all the organizational work, initially just on behalf of geeks: out of generosity, and to enjoy a geeky subsociety. They put on events, build websites, tape up publicity fliers, and deal with accountants. And then the "mops", or normal people, show up, and then... Fanatics may be generous, but they signed up to support geeks, not mops. Then the subculture dies, unless there's enough value for the sociopaths to show up.

  • Have you tried solving the problem? -- this just gets funnier the more I dip into it. Have you tried tying the problem to a stone altar, extracting its heart, and tossing its body down the stairs?

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I'm going to give my newly special guy friend a name, and his name is Quarte! Nothing to do with small packages, you dirty-minded creatures, and everything to do with the fact that a quarte is the first parry learned by most fencers. Those who know him IRL will get the pun.

I hung out with him for a while yesterday and discussed his reasons for not just fucking my brains out already, which would generally seem to be the polite thing to do under the circumstances.

Basically, people have an "accelerator" system and a "brake" system when it comes to sex. I knew this, you knew this, and Emily Nagoski has written about it at some length (but if you didn't know this: article, comic). Quarte right now is revving both systems pretty hard, which spells self-imposed f-r-u-s-t-r-a-t-i-o-n. He has a high drive and also high brakes-pressing, the latter being left over from his last relationship. Importantly, I realized that when I was picking up sort of mixed signals from him last week, I wasn't really. He wasn't sending mixed signals, or at least not confused signals, he was sending TWO signals. (Oh!)

I further extrapolate that while I am very good at picking up people's "I'm attracted to you, let's go" signal, I'm not as natural at picking up the "ehhh maybe stop" signal (until people use their words -- I'm talking just about intuition and "radar" here). That is quite useful to know, if mildly likely to lead me into embarrassment. I'm not sure yet whether to work on being more sensitive to the other signal; a certain cheerful obliviousness seems likely to be pretty useful to Quarte, so maybe not yet.

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