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Back from my dad's wedding in MT
My Montana experience is over and thank you, powers that be, I not only went but I actually came back. Whew. My father's bride reminds me rather more of Miss Piggy than I ever would have expected--but then I'd never seen him with anyone besides my mom, so how would I know what to expect? And the good news is that she does seem to love him, and doesn't seem to be staying with him just because he helped her with her dying mother a year or two ago.
They had a very interesting ceremony, in a grassy spot by the side of a dirt road in Glacier National Park. I'll probably post it in its entirety on my real website, but it included these as part of the vows:
Officiant: Do you both promise to keep a sense of humor when life presents difficulties?
Bride & Groom: We do.
Officiant: Do you promise to remember that each may need brief times apart, to refind yourselves and return to the marriage, refreshed and with new gifts of insight and affection?
Bride & Groom: We do.
Officiant: Finally, do you promise in times of strain to remember when J first asked K to meet to talk together, and the weeks afterward when you first discovered and helped and loved each other?
Bride & Groom: We do.
Intelligent people, these older ones getting married. They've learned a few things.
All the emotional/family stuff was right on the line between being okay and being way too much. My dad seems happier and I clearly have to face the fact of planning for an ongoing relationship with him. I liked my Aunt Beast, who I don't remember ever meeting before, a great deal, but I may never see her again since she is dying of ovarian cancer. And my Aunt Niece does seem to be cut from the same cloth as me -- but she told me stories that are so heartbreaking it makes me want to resign from history. Like my grandmother, who was deaf all her life and socially slow besides, who found herself unable to live alone after my grandfather died and spent her last few years of life being taken advantage of (and beaten) by the men she latched onto until finally she got cancer and died. What the fuck is that, universe, huh? And Aunt Niece herself, always the one to handle communication between her deaf parents and the rest of the world, who ran off to get married at 15 and who is now a nurse -- yes, I think I can spot a stolen childhood there. She told me stories about my father when he was younger and freshly scarred from Vietnam, too, and even from before that when she's sure he already had clinical depression, and those were bad, but it's hard to say they were the worst. So many terrible things have happened on that side of the family, including my dad's marriage to my mom but stretching so far back beyond that, too. There are things I will never understand, and sharing some of my own stories with Aunt Niece just hurt. But this year seems to be a rare moment of grace.
The next two days were spent hiking, first with a childhood friend of mine and her once-and-future boyfriend (a fun afternoon, culminating in skinnydipping in a lovely mountain lake). We had some fascinating talks, as they are both experts on wilderness management who work in local/environmental nonprofits and have spent a lot of time on the trails. Then the next day we hiked again with my dad, K and a friend of hers in Glacier Park. It was on this second one that we saw a black bear mosey across the river about a hundred yards downstream of us -- a nice sighting, not close enough to be scary (black bears are not very aggressive, for those of you not versed in your bears. A grizzly at that range would have been scarier). We also saw a lot of deer on both days, including two fawns who still had their spots, and drove by places where we easily might have seen elk or mountain goats but didn't. Beautiful waterfalls though. I've been reminded why I've always found the mountains in the Eastern US very wimpy... they have nothing on the Rockies.
What about me? I don't know. My dad is still not a comfortable person to be around. I think some of his more screwed-up traits have lessened, but at the same time I've stopped being used to seeing them in person at all, so that about evened out. He does live in a much less poverty-stricken way since he's been at K's place, but then again he was awfully proud of the van we borrowed from him... and every time I drove that thing I was thinking 1) this is poverty right here in my hands and 2) I think I'm about to die. It was old and ugly, and had trouble getting started in the mornings, and REALLY loose steering, and its turn signals didn't work, and it had cracks in the windshield and it leaked antifreeze. And yet, my dad is so proud of that thing, because for all that it's not on its last legs and it is well-outfitted for his photography expeditions. So we had to refrain from saying it was anything but great of him to lend it to us (which, actually, it was, since it saved us from renting something). Sigh... I did okay with driving it, but it was lucky that you can get away with ignoring a lot of stop signs and turn signal opportunities in a place like MT. Anyway, it's just an example. There are a lot of things creeping around in that area that spook me in similar ways. Even so, it was all made far easier by not having to actually go to my hometown (we were near it, but not in it), not having to show HLM where I grew up, and not having to watch my parents interacting. That last one's what really used to make me sick-angry. If things remain this good or better, it won't be that psychologically hard to go out there every couple of summers to hike in the Park. And yet it still is hard, because I feel like signing on to be part of that side of the family again just means signing up for a lot of weirdness and a lot of funerals. Ecthp. :(
They had a very interesting ceremony, in a grassy spot by the side of a dirt road in Glacier National Park. I'll probably post it in its entirety on my real website, but it included these as part of the vows:
Officiant: Do you both promise to keep a sense of humor when life presents difficulties?
Bride & Groom: We do.
Officiant: Do you promise to remember that each may need brief times apart, to refind yourselves and return to the marriage, refreshed and with new gifts of insight and affection?
Bride & Groom: We do.
Officiant: Finally, do you promise in times of strain to remember when J first asked K to meet to talk together, and the weeks afterward when you first discovered and helped and loved each other?
Bride & Groom: We do.
Intelligent people, these older ones getting married. They've learned a few things.
All the emotional/family stuff was right on the line between being okay and being way too much. My dad seems happier and I clearly have to face the fact of planning for an ongoing relationship with him. I liked my Aunt Beast, who I don't remember ever meeting before, a great deal, but I may never see her again since she is dying of ovarian cancer. And my Aunt Niece does seem to be cut from the same cloth as me -- but she told me stories that are so heartbreaking it makes me want to resign from history. Like my grandmother, who was deaf all her life and socially slow besides, who found herself unable to live alone after my grandfather died and spent her last few years of life being taken advantage of (and beaten) by the men she latched onto until finally she got cancer and died. What the fuck is that, universe, huh? And Aunt Niece herself, always the one to handle communication between her deaf parents and the rest of the world, who ran off to get married at 15 and who is now a nurse -- yes, I think I can spot a stolen childhood there. She told me stories about my father when he was younger and freshly scarred from Vietnam, too, and even from before that when she's sure he already had clinical depression, and those were bad, but it's hard to say they were the worst. So many terrible things have happened on that side of the family, including my dad's marriage to my mom but stretching so far back beyond that, too. There are things I will never understand, and sharing some of my own stories with Aunt Niece just hurt. But this year seems to be a rare moment of grace.
The next two days were spent hiking, first with a childhood friend of mine and her once-and-future boyfriend (a fun afternoon, culminating in skinnydipping in a lovely mountain lake). We had some fascinating talks, as they are both experts on wilderness management who work in local/environmental nonprofits and have spent a lot of time on the trails. Then the next day we hiked again with my dad, K and a friend of hers in Glacier Park. It was on this second one that we saw a black bear mosey across the river about a hundred yards downstream of us -- a nice sighting, not close enough to be scary (black bears are not very aggressive, for those of you not versed in your bears. A grizzly at that range would have been scarier). We also saw a lot of deer on both days, including two fawns who still had their spots, and drove by places where we easily might have seen elk or mountain goats but didn't. Beautiful waterfalls though. I've been reminded why I've always found the mountains in the Eastern US very wimpy... they have nothing on the Rockies.
What about me? I don't know. My dad is still not a comfortable person to be around. I think some of his more screwed-up traits have lessened, but at the same time I've stopped being used to seeing them in person at all, so that about evened out. He does live in a much less poverty-stricken way since he's been at K's place, but then again he was awfully proud of the van we borrowed from him... and every time I drove that thing I was thinking 1) this is poverty right here in my hands and 2) I think I'm about to die. It was old and ugly, and had trouble getting started in the mornings, and REALLY loose steering, and its turn signals didn't work, and it had cracks in the windshield and it leaked antifreeze. And yet, my dad is so proud of that thing, because for all that it's not on its last legs and it is well-outfitted for his photography expeditions. So we had to refrain from saying it was anything but great of him to lend it to us (which, actually, it was, since it saved us from renting something). Sigh... I did okay with driving it, but it was lucky that you can get away with ignoring a lot of stop signs and turn signal opportunities in a place like MT. Anyway, it's just an example. There are a lot of things creeping around in that area that spook me in similar ways. Even so, it was all made far easier by not having to actually go to my hometown (we were near it, but not in it), not having to show HLM where I grew up, and not having to watch my parents interacting. That last one's what really used to make me sick-angry. If things remain this good or better, it won't be that psychologically hard to go out there every couple of summers to hike in the Park. And yet it still is hard, because I feel like signing on to be part of that side of the family again just means signing up for a lot of weirdness and a lot of funerals. Ecthp. :(
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He does live in a much less poverty-stricken way since he's been at K's place, but then again he was awfully proud of the van we borrowed from him... and every time I drove that thing I was thinking 1) this is poverty right here in my hands and 2) I think I'm about to die.
Do I ever know what you're talking about. It reminded me of when I went to visit my mom the last time before when J and I saw her together. What sent me over the edge was her gushing about how great her place was and getting there and finding that there was no heat other than a space heater and that I'd be sleeping on the floor under moving blankets (diesel fume headache anyone?) I just had to smile and say 'yes, it's wonderful' with bits of me dying inside.
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Anyway, I appreciate the understanding. Children of dirt-poor, depressing, fucked-up parents, unite! I'm really not okay with maintaining the ties, but I didn't expect to be okay either, so it's kind of a continuation of the status quo. Just like my dad's van and your mom's house are better than their status quo. Despite formerly held opinions to the contrary, I'm starting to think that human beings are way too adaptable. We get used to things, and put up with things, that should be intolerable.
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I have been in a funk for a couple of weeks. I'm getting better though since I'm catching up on sleep, so I promise to be a cheery friend on Sat. :)
I was curious - how often do you talk to your parents? One thing I am VERY jealous of is how they've both remarried. I would love love love my mother to find someone (here, you deal with her :P) but I really don't see that happening.
We get used to things, and put up with things, that should be intolerable.
I actually feel like I'm moving closer to being able to say that it is intolerable, and thus I will not be tolerating it anymore. This latest move of hers has me utterly and entirely disgusted. I just need to get to the point financially where I can buy her a house and take care of her basic food/medical needs and I will feel that's enough.
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"And when you're in a slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done."
I call my mom every several (4 to 6?) weeks. Usually it's a quick call because she's busy. And my dad calls me probably about that often as well. I am surprised at his remarriage, honestly... this lady K is a saint or a madwoman to try to take on the job. But she has, so what can I do but wave my hands and hope it's for the best.
I understand your decision to stop tolerating it. But, geez, are you really going to go that far in financially supporting her? If you do that I think it'll be incredibly hard to say "that's enough" or cut off from a more frequent relationship. My advice is to buy her a house far, far away if you must do such a thing. Physical distance is good. :b
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I'm glad you made it back in one piece; it sounds like it was pretty intense in a lot of ways.
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