You know what would be cool? Feeling okay.

[flexagon]

So I think I've had bad dreams about work twice in a row now. I dream that videoconferencing doesn't quite work, I dream that I massively break ethical standards by emailing something confidential to myself from someone else's email and am just waiting to get caught and fired, I dream that there's exercise equipment at work but it's all really weirdly cramped up in a corner and there's something dangerous about it. Sigh... what the fuck... I'm not even in trouble these days, in fact the Noid has been trying to cheer me up. I got something working today that, while small, has been vexing me off and on for a few days, and maybe that will help. I wonder if I've mentioned lately... I'm not all that GOOD at starting new jobs. I hope Zillian eventually decides to like me, because I'm staying... I don't care to do this again for a few years. ETA: from my limited number of data points, it seems to take six months to not feel like an alien. I'm just past that point, and sure enough, on good days I'm just starting to not feel that way.

Having a plan helps (hint: it's not limited to this but it starts there). But with my final algorithms exam coming on Monday (a whole other set of worries, I never did fully understand the FFT, or reductions of problems to NP-complete ones either), I'm too tired to feel smart or to get un-slumped... I feel more like, as usual, when I'm at the end of my rope all I have left is stubbornness. Is that even the right tool to apply? I think so, actually, but when all you have is a hammer... you know. :-/

Strangely, there's a giant triumph-post coming in the near future, because a lot of things are ending, and tiny incremental things do add up. That's one thing I like. I think I'll drink the last hard cider from the fridge and go work toward that post. As for you, take a look at this super-cool mathematical sculpture site, because it rocks a whole lot harder than this post does.

Comments

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

A person can cover a whole lot of ground with sheer stubbornness! You've had so much going on lately....it takes a little while for your subconscious to catch up.

Those are some super-cool sculptures. I wish they were sterling and wearable!

[flexagon]

Thanks. You're right, of course. An inch at a time. :) And I love your icon.

I love the idea of my subconscious having whiplash or jet-lag or something... maybe that IS it. Anyway, I dreamed about other things last night, very weird things but not work-things. Thank you, Flying Spaghetti Monster!

[dr-alycat.livejournal.com]

Ha! That is a great metaphor, my subconscious was stuck on a delayed flight for like a YEAR, then there was the jet-lag, now it's (maybe) catching up... I HEAR YOU.

I never know quite what to make of dreams, especially the weird anxiety sort that contain a grain of reality amidst a jumble of strange images or plots. Maybe it's good that your brain is processing (and ideally eliminating) random work stress that's hiding out in the corners of your mind?

[hiddenbear.livejournal.com]

I haven't started a new job in over seven years - I completely fear that first six months of limbo.

Good luck on your algorithms final, but damn you for reminding me of FFTs and how little I ever understood them. Thank goodness I've never needed them IRL.

[flexagon]

The thing is, there's exhilaration in it too (especially this time, for me). And sometimes it works out. If I'd never left my first job for my second job I'd have missed out on ever having any career self-esteem... and probably blown my chances of ever moving into industry too. I shudder to think of it. And if I'd never left Colubrid for Zillian, I would probably be less stressed day-to-day but my soul would be more or less crushed from staying in a slowly deteriorating environment that everyone was bitter about.

I don't know. It's hard, and harder on me than a lot of people, I think. But I can't regret either of my job moves either.

[flexagon]

P.S. I think there are probably lots of nice FFT libraries you can just call if you ever do need one IRL.

[bluechromis.livejournal.com]

Good luck on your final, cheers to things coming together. :-D

[flexagon]

Thanks, and yeah. Which reminds me, want to grab coffee at some point Monday afternoon or later? My new, less-insane schedule is meant to allow for such things... :)