The captain leads his dance right on through the night

[flexagon]

I've been sick for the last whole week. A week ago RIGHT NOW I was falling asleep on the couch letting it finally spin me down into exhaustion, into not working out, into feeling tired and dizzy and stuffy. Now I'm finally feeling better enough to head to the gym tomorrow... I'll feel like dog crap, but at least it'll be a different kind of dog crap than the "working 12+ hour days" kind I've been doing for the last two weeks.

Because when I'm sick and can't work out, it turns out there's nothing to leave work for, and the pressure's been on. So very on. I have the growing realization that one of the engineers on my team's been really sidelined for a long time and that I'm not sure how to help him, I have to fix a bug this weekend to cover for one who's been out sick, I have the horrid news that the project I'm supposed to be leading has lost the part of its staff that was in another office. Goodbye, any chance of getting that done in 2011. :-/

A couple of my friends are getting hit with seasonal difficulties. Everyone's affected by seasons (I know the dark makes me want to curl up inside and be very nerdy and less physical -- if I'm going to be doing side-coding or side-studying, winter's the time for it), but I don't get sad, and when my friends get quiet it's hard to remember that they're not just nerd-holing, they probably need a hello.

There's a test somewhere (not a test for depression, I think it's the Energy Audit), where one statement you can agree with is "My life often seems like just a long list of tasks I have to do." UmmmmmYEAH. Not only do I strongly agree, it's weird to think that anyone's life ISN'T an enormous list of tasks. Raise your hand if that's you, please, and tell me what it's like.

Comments

List love

[islenskr.livejournal.com]

Anyone who doesn't live by a ginormous list of tasks is probably rich enough to not have to work. And, they're lazy. I need my list. I add to my list daily. :)

[niralth.livejournal.com]

I am not rich. I do have to work. I may be lazy by some standards.

[islenskr.livejournal.com]

This morning I read this and realized that what I wrote came out not the way I had intended. No offense meant. :(

[niralth.livejournal.com]

Whew! None taken. :)

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

Add "and it feels like it will never get done, and I frequently suspect that there are hidden expectations with work or the Ph.D stuff that are waiting to leap out at me" and you've got me pegged.

[niralth.livejournal.com]

My life doesn't feel like an enormous list of tasks. I have a list of things that need to get done, of course, but it is really short. All the other things I do are optional and usually spontaneous.

I'm not sure how to describe what my life is like instead, though. Calm and content. I remember when my life did feel like a list. I think it all changed after getting married. Either that or after having a child. Both the husband and the child had major slowing-down influence on my life and attitude.

[flexagon]

You are more or less living my dream, and I'm happy for you.

After reading your comment two or three times, I did realize your time budget is like my money budget: there are a few fixed expenses, of course, but they are not large and the list is not long. Most of what I spend goes for optional things.

I'm not sure how much of my to-do list is optional... could it be that more of it is than I think? It's never entirely clear how much of my work is REQUIRED and how much is just the pressure I feel. Certainly I've been working out more than necessary for most regimes, lately.

[niralth.livejournal.com]

Luckily for me, my time budget and my money budget are also very alike: few fixed expenses. Like verdanthe said below, this is also what my physical space budget feels like, since I have far fewer physical possessions than I have physical space. (I'm not sure I can call myself a minimalist with a straight face since I have a toddler's worth of extra books and toys, but I try.)

I bet a huge amount of your to-do list is optional, and that you have set certain goals and demands upon yourself that all add up to feeling busy all the time. It is hard for overachievers like us to let go of some of those goals, and it isn't without its downsides. For example, I would pick one: 12 hour work days, or elite level physical fitness goals. Doing both is, all on its own, enough to induce burnout.

[flexagon]

For example, I would pick one: 12 hour work days, or elite level physical fitness goals. Doing both is, all on its own, enough to induce burnout.

As I said, but from my phone where I didn't realize I wasn't signed in: And yet, having significant goals outside of work is how I maintain some balance. I worked much LONGER days when I was sick and didn't have a committed workout to leave for.

To add to that though, I am in strong and definite search of a leveling-off place... or pace. :-)

As a tech lead and senior software engineer, I'm much closer to it now than I was a year ago. I don't need to make staff (the next level), either by my standards or theirs. But I do want to get past current crises, get my team to a more smoothly-functioning and gelled level, figure out my new manager, and get myself up one more bucket in terms of my performance rating.

[elbren]

You're not the only one.

I've done a deliberate downsizing of my activities and commitments - the analogy to material minimalism holds.

[niralth.livejournal.com]

Indeed! A very succinct way of putting it.

[dr-alycat.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the energy audit! Good potential for insight. I am going to add it to my list of things to do.

kidding!
sort of.