Swimming underwater, trying not to scream

[flexagon]

I was so tense today I thought my neck and shoulders were going to cramp up just from walking around. Work went well enough, in terms of me getting done what I was hoping to do, but NOT yet in terms of the part I'm utterly powerless about. I almost cried in the bathroom. Lately the only thing on my mind is why the hell should I care so much? If I'm not getting fired, then really, why? And if I were to get fired I could live on savings for more than a little while. I may care by nature but I'm not going to be able to care for much longer, at this point, and I shouldn't. I need to back way down.

At least I got my period, so there's some chance some of this was hormonal and will ease off soon. And I skipped yoga and brought home a six-pack of Original Sin, and (one sin later) my neck is relaxing. I believe I'll go read on the couch for a bit.

Comments

[soong.livejournal.com]

why the hell should I care so much?

Pride? (and not the overpowering hubris, but just the decent wanting-to-be-good kind)

[motyl.livejournal.com]

meep. *scritches* Good luck with it easing off. If venting would ever help, feel free to haul me aside any time.

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry! I think you care because you want to be someone who does things well. You're work is an art form, not unlike your knitting and your yoga and your silks.

[miyyu.livejournal.com]

I hear ya. Sometimes a job is truly just a job, but it's not easy to think of it that way because you take pride in your work.

[nevers.livejournal.com]

oh man, i'm sorry you are so tense and stressed! this has been going on for longer than i'd hoped; i'm rooting for you to find some relief, in whatever way, soon!

[apfelsingail.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[dr-alycat.livejournal.com]

oh lady! I'm so sorry to hear it. Your workplace sounds like such a crazy mix of perks and pressure. (and, you're probably right about the hormones. I typically find that things which are bad but tolerable get pushed over the edge at that time of the month...)