From this morning on the plane (NYC -> ORD)
On the plane: remembering New York, the unfriendliness of LaGuardia (I have to take food out of my backpack to go through security?), my walk along the High Line, the glimpse I got of a brick-and-mortar Container Store with plastic hangers organized by color in a window. Beautiful people. Dinner with Norwood's old friend B, with whom we stayed in Paris three years ago now (!) and who I told stories of my 16-year-old self. The Ditto I caught while out with Norwood after rebooting the Pokemon Go app to catch a Pidgey, on the way to that dinner, unblocking me on a quest.
This city visit was quick and brutal, featuring a really draining all-day argument about the promotability of six specific people (someone mansplained to me about feature development; fuck that guy). It was nice that![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
norwoodbridge came along to snuggle at night, despite my workload. Now I go to Chicago and I'm on my fourth try at buying WiFi access... annnnnnd it didn't work, fuck fuck fuck. On a morning when I'm more behind on email than I've ever been before, and I'm awake and motivated, to have a solid 90 minutes of email potentially snatched from me is panic-inducing. Maybe it will work later.
Update: it never worked. Bad. I read several more essays from The Bitch is Back, and wrote some emails plus this blog post in a text editor, instead.
Moving on to personal whinging, then: I am missing Lion with unwarranted intensity, the way I can only miss someone if I'm afraid our possible time together is limited and here we are wasting two weeks of it (between my travel schedule and his). I have such a hard time with feeling hope, with faith. It sounds nice to switch out of this scarcity mindset and believe what Lion believes, but... I don't. And beyond that, it's not just stress, anyway. I'm sad that I might be so deeply affected by (what feels like) someone else's whim -- so out of my control, and so frankly trivial-seeming. This sadness reads like privilege or entitlement when I dig into it, and yet there it is: I wish I were valued enough to stay in town for. I wish that were even possible. Even though everyone makes their own deals in a marriage, and it's not my place to criticize someone else's just because I toldheisenbug he'd be moving alone if he moved to CA for work. :P I did not sign up for this particular stressor. And in case anyone is wondering, yes, I have indeed added "not committed to living in Boston" as a dealbreaker for new relationships in my user manual, even though it wouldn't have saved me this time.
This city visit was quick and brutal, featuring a really draining all-day argument about the promotability of six specific people (someone mansplained to me about feature development; fuck that guy). It was nice that
norwoodbridge came along to snuggle at night, despite my workload. Now I go to Chicago and I'm on my fourth try at buying WiFi access... annnnnnd it didn't work, fuck fuck fuck. On a morning when I'm more behind on email than I've ever been before, and I'm awake and motivated, to have a solid 90 minutes of email potentially snatched from me is panic-inducing. Maybe it will work later.Update: it never worked. Bad. I read several more essays from The Bitch is Back, and wrote some emails plus this blog post in a text editor, instead.
Moving on to personal whinging, then: I am missing Lion with unwarranted intensity, the way I can only miss someone if I'm afraid our possible time together is limited and here we are wasting two weeks of it (between my travel schedule and his). I have such a hard time with feeling hope, with faith. It sounds nice to switch out of this scarcity mindset and believe what Lion believes, but... I don't. And beyond that, it's not just stress, anyway. I'm sad that I might be so deeply affected by (what feels like) someone else's whim -- so out of my control, and so frankly trivial-seeming. This sadness reads like privilege or entitlement when I dig into it, and yet there it is: I wish I were valued enough to stay in town for. I wish that were even possible. Even though everyone makes their own deals in a marriage, and it's not my place to criticize someone else's just because I told
heisenbug he'd be moving alone if he moved to CA for work. :P I did not sign up for this particular stressor. And in case anyone is wondering, yes, I have indeed added "not committed to living in Boston" as a dealbreaker for new relationships in my user manual, even though it wouldn't have saved me this time.
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Really? It reads like passion to me. We have and make commitments and invest our energies accordingly. Maybe this is why flings are so intense, but it doesn't seem to me that one is privileged or entitled simply because one has passionate feelings about another person and a desire to see the other partner invest the sort of energy our passions deserve. "summer romances" are storied in literature and song for just this sort of passion.
*hugs* if you'll take them. It's an intense ride.
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