flexagon | From this morning on the plane (NYC -> ORD)

On the plane: remembering New York, the unfriendliness of LaGuardia (I have to take food out of my backpack to go through security?), my walk along the High Line, the glimpse I got of a brick-and-mortar Container Store with plastic hangers organized by color in a window. Beautiful people. Dinner with Norwood's old friend B, with whom we stayed in Paris three years ago now (!) and who I told stories of my 16-year-old self. The Ditto I caught while out with Norwood after rebooting the Pokemon Go app to catch a Pidgey, on the way to that dinner, unblocking me on a quest.

This city visit was quick and brutal, featuring a really draining all-day argument about the promotability of six specific people (someone mansplained to me about feature development; fuck that guy). It was nice that

norwoodbridge came along to snuggle at night, despite my workload. Now I go to Chicago and I'm on my fourth try at buying WiFi access... annnnnnd it didn't work, fuck fuck fuck. On a morning when I'm more behind on email than I've ever been before, and I'm awake and motivated, to have a solid 90 minutes of email potentially snatched from me is panic-inducing. Maybe it will work later.

Update: it never worked. Bad. I read several more essays from The Bitch is Back, and wrote some emails plus this blog post in a text editor, instead.

Moving on to personal whinging, then: I am missing Lion with unwarranted intensity, the way I can only miss someone if I'm afraid our possible time together is limited and here we are wasting two weeks of it (between my travel schedule and his). I have such a hard time with feeling hope, with faith. It sounds nice to switch out of this scarcity mindset and believe what Lion believes, but... I don't. And beyond that, it's not just stress, anyway. I'm sad that I might be so deeply affected by (what feels like) someone else's whim -- so out of my control, and so frankly trivial-seeming. This sadness reads like privilege or entitlement when I dig into it, and yet there it is: I wish I were valued enough to stay in town for. I wish that were even possible. Even though everyone makes their own deals in a marriage, and it's not my place to criticize someone else's just because I told

heisenbug he'd be moving alone if he moved to CA for work. :P I did not sign up for this particular stressor. And in case anyone is wondering, yes, I have indeed added "not committed to living in Boston" as a dealbreaker for new relationships in my user manual, even though it wouldn't have saved me this time.