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Due diligence?
Wow... here's a very spiritual view of the decision not to have children. Take out most of the Goddess-y stuff and that's exactly how I feel.
I read a huge swath of Our Bodies, Ourselves tonight... I have the '92 edition, and I found it very lacking in an explicitly childfree perspective, though it was certainly open to women making that choice. I bet that's changed. I read quite a lot about motherhood, and sex, and sterilization, and as always came away feeling like I'd gotten a big hug from someone wise. I am, you see, trying to do at least a bit of last-minute deep thinking on the whole issue. If I feel regret in 10 years, I'd rather at least be able to look back and remember I didn't do it too blithely. I fear it isn't working though. I've thought too much about it already... now I just keep drifting off into daydreams about Valium, which I've never had before and I'll get to have on Thursday before the procedure. Mmm, I've heard Valium is goooooood. I can't wait. :)
I read a huge swath of Our Bodies, Ourselves tonight... I have the '92 edition, and I found it very lacking in an explicitly childfree perspective, though it was certainly open to women making that choice. I bet that's changed. I read quite a lot about motherhood, and sex, and sterilization, and as always came away feeling like I'd gotten a big hug from someone wise. I am, you see, trying to do at least a bit of last-minute deep thinking on the whole issue. If I feel regret in 10 years, I'd rather at least be able to look back and remember I didn't do it too blithely. I fear it isn't working though. I've thought too much about it already... now I just keep drifting off into daydreams about Valium, which I've never had before and I'll get to have on Thursday before the procedure. Mmm, I've heard Valium is goooooood. I can't wait. :)
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I meant to tell you earlier, but I have been remiss in my LJ commenting: good luck with your sterilization. I hope it is easy and as painless as possible. I am glad that you are able to do it, both mentally/emotionally and that no one in the medical field tried to prevent you from having the procedure.
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I am surprised that you're encountering so many questions. You of all people, who spends the whole workday shaping little minds, you who are trained to do it and who pours her heart into it and does a good job of it, are criticized for needing time off at home (and not wanting to shit the football)? That's really something I can't fathom. I so respect what you do and can't see how any more could be asked along the lines of rearing the next generation. Sheesh, all I do is pay my taxes and vote for more education, and I don't even think people should pick on me. :) If the article gives you a little more of an idea how to explain your decision, I'm glad.
For anyone who might read this without having followed the link, I quote: Can anyone say that a childless woman who has nurtured a business of her own, written a novel, broken through the glass ceiling, committed herself to a spiritual path, nursed people or animals, envisioned the future, taught third grade, marched in protest, fought for her country, has never given birth? Will anyone deny her the pleasure, pride, and sense of accomplishment which she has achieved through these holy acts? Not I.
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I think it has to do with the assumption that if you don't want to have children you must actively hate them. I enjoy children tremendously (though only up to about age 11, then they make my skin crawl) but it really confuses people to know that and then hear that I don't want any of my own. I also think it's because I am semi-newly married. Now that we have been married over a year it's just expected that we have adjusted to the marriage thing so now we should be adjusting to the baby thing. *sigh*
I think my new response will be "I have other priorities" and leave it at that. What I want to say is "That's a highly personal decision and it's none of your fucking business" but I really can't get away with that. What boggles my mind is that it's a socially acceptable topic and/or question for complete strangers to bring up. As if my reproductive life is meant to be public knowledge because I happened to be born with a uterus.
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Hmm, I like it. Mature and adult-sounding... though possibly not conversation-ending, if the person thinks you would want them if only you were not trapped in the rat race. Still, pretty damn good, and I may use it.
I've been leaning toward raised eyebrows and "Good heavens, no" when asked if I'm going to. Less nice. But it shuts people up. :)
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I am glad you have made your decision and you're happy.
As for the quote though, I don't think it's denying anyone anything to say simply, it's not the same. I believed for a long time that all those things were equivalent. I truly did, since I wasn't looking to have kids (I wasn't preventing them either, it's just after three years I was beginning to be sure I was sterile and the thought wasn't bugging me. I just figured that it would come when it came if it did.). I have so many accomplishments, and I thought they really were the same, better, equal. Not sure. Then I had children...
I won't tell you that it lessens anything that is on that list. Pleasure, pride, and sense of accomplishment over things that you have managed to create and paths that you have chosen, none of that is made less by having kids. But, having children is different. That is all. It is a different sense of accomplishment, a different pleasure than any I have felt before, and a different pride. And in the end, it made me realize that that difference was something to cherish and to nurture and the other accomplishments are still there for me. I am still writing a book, I am still working on my certifications, my singing...
So, erm, yeah...not sure what I was trying to say with that. Maybe its because I follow the Goddess, and the Mother aspect does really truly describe a woman who has nurtured and raised children. Some women never have kids...they go from being maidens for much longer than most to being wise women...but, there is a reason that aspect is reserved for mothers. So, my little speech wasn't really to you at all, just to someone saying that you could substitute something else for that aspect of the Goddess.
I guess the other thing is that that particular religion is about the cycles of fertility of nature, and the power of women because they also follow cycles of fertility. If the cycles of nature and the cycles of a person's life, and the different stages of fertility, etc isn't something you see as holy and revere...then another religion would be better suited. It would be like walking into a Christian church and stating that you think that...erm...Joan of Arc is as good a Messiah as Christ. She suffered too...nevermind that the entire religion is based around Christ's sacrifice. Grrr...Okie...enough with the rant.
I hope it goes well for you and I'll be crossing my fingers.
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And in the end, it made me realize that that difference was something to cherish and to nurture and the other accomplishments are still there for me. I must respectfully point out that plants, animals, friends, parents, other people's children, the aged, and the community/environment as a whole can also be cherished and nurtured. I agree it isn't quite the same though. I do fully believe that with most people, the mother/child bond is stronger than any other and that it's rewarding in ways that don't make sense until you do it. All that is okay... I don't need to fully grok it to decide against it in this case, 50% understanding is quite enough. :)
Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful response. I am glad your path is rewarding to you and not cutting you off from developing yourself.