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Big thinkings
I'm thinking a bunch of deep thoughts, as a result of a few factors:
Hypercube is next to me on the couch. So lovely and soft. My "I know I'm being successful when" list definitely needs to include my cats liking me enough to seek me out.
- The aforementioned career angsting and exec coach, etc. She did try to cheer me up on Friday, in several ways. They included imagining myself being 20 years older and looking back at this (I am such a cool 62-year-old! Do I tell my younger self not to fret so much?), and reading this how will you measure your life article that I didn't like. She encouraged me to find some level of good feelings and delight in making wise choices, in being okay right now, and to actually think about what life success means to me. No answers right now, but I like the idea of an "I know I'm being successful when" list (like this one, but, uh, not nearly as dudebro as that one).
- The bug has a shiny new diagnosis of ADHD, the inattentive variety. It's been fascinating hearing more about how he experiences life, though the lens of this, and I guess I get to meet his psychologist in a while so that's cool. I was fascinated to see this on the list of adult manifestations: "Maintaining excessive personal items such as storing old items of diminished usefulness."
- Lion did indeed send me some journaling. It's a wall of text analyzing some of his troubles (enmeshment? huh), conclusions, and determinations for the future. He's determined to be poly, and has pretty much told Lioness that he's willing to separate in order to allow that to happen, but there's no timeline. And of course no guarantee that any particular person, say someone with nasty issues around abandonment that he already dumped for stupid reasons, would be willing to get back together, or that he even wants that. (I shake my little fist, knowing perfectly well that this is in moth/flame territory.) In the meantime, there's a bunch of stuff in there about difficulty identifying/stating some of his own desires, and about going along with things and conflating his desires with others' and vice versa, that sent me on an evil spiral of hoping I never did anything with him that he didn't want to do. :(
Hypercube is next to me on the couch. So lovely and soft. My "I know I'm being successful when" list definitely needs to include my cats liking me enough to seek me out.
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OK, so obv. I don't know Lion and I may be totally off base, but that seems a little emotionally manipulative.
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I think the Lion business is mostly me over-worrying about one paragraph in a long writeup. The general notion of me steamrolling people without meaning to is something I do worry about from time to time. :-/ In this case, at least HE propositioned ME in 2017... so it might've happened with smaller things maybe but I'm sure he wanted the sex. Which is a relief.
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I'm interested in your thoughts too if you end up coming up with more!
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I did make more of a list yesterday, to my surprise. Starting with the cat thing seemed to loosen up my fingers. I'll share in a private message.
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My career goals have always been modest and are pretty much satisfied at my current company (non toxic culture, healthy manangement, robots, making a positive impact), so I'm trying to think more on the lines now of "no regrets about missing an experience while on my deathbed". Recent events have helped wrt focus. :-)
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I do want a press handstand.
What I like about an "I know I'm being successful when" list is that it's not so much about goals that you just... achieve... but instead has some implicit acceptance of sometimes doing well and sometimes not. I think yours also has some subtlety in it, since nobody is ever at 100% or 0% regret about experiences.
It's hilarious to me how many people perceive me as being all ambitious and driven or whatever. I don't feel that way from the inside. Maybe some of it is like: I don't really have goals but I do have high standards for how I do my aimless wandering around?
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i hope the bug finds the diagnosis to be useful! i keep running into "i am very NOT add by x, y, z, but then someone will say Q and i will go 'wait, that's everyone, right??' and apparently it's not?"
i think that just means it's all a spectrum and i have a few traits that are in that category... i should do more reading about the techniques that are useful to people with those traits even if the diagnosis isn't for me.
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(One of my sweeties has a tropism for ADD sweeties, which can lead to some interesting compare and contrast opportunities :-}.)
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I can't find much difference between enmeshment and codependency. Both seem to be used mostly in reference to one person who needs another (or needs an addiction) in order to feel whole or complete.
https://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html
(I used to think that "codependency" could only ever refer to a dyad, because "co", right, but that is not how it's used)
AFAICT with ADD, every mental health phenomenon co-occurs and the things we have names for are just the most common clusters. I'd be curious what your Q is if you're open to sharing... I really like hearing what things feel like when a person is a certain way or has a certain trait.
This is random, but vaguely seems to fit in -- I'm still listening to those lectures on behavioral biology. A couple of lectures ago the topic was prefrontal cortex, and the professor mentioned the following: some people who are very disciplined and seem to just effortlessly do the right thing and stay on top of their to-do lists have been shown to have a higher base metabolism in the prefrontal cortex! Chicken and egg issues arise, perhaps, but isn't that interesting. I've always suspected I was somehow playing on easy mode, regarding "discipline" or planning or whatever, and now it turns out that there are some brains that really do.
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my ADDish things -- enjoying priority-interrupt work, enjoying doing several things at the same time, varying amounts of executive function, quickly tiring of "routines" and "discipline" sorts of things, objects becoming invisible when i stop noticing them... there are a few others. i should go through one of those lists again and see which things are very "yes" (there are always more that are "no", but sometimes i will compare myself to the people around me and go "well... that's very different."
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I am mildly vindicated in this by finding an ADHD section in the otherwise bad Wikipedia article on this topic:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dopamine_receptor#Attention-deficit_hyperactivity_disorder
but smaller individual variances are possible and common!
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....i appreciate that you just finished this course, but my degree is actually in brain and cognitive sciences and i have kept reasonably current in parts of this field, so yes, i agree, but i'm reasonably far ahead of "what does wikipedia say" :)
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WRT accidentally steamrolling people, I'd suggest reaching for a bigger picture. There's a spectrum here, with "I make my choices and rely on others to make theirs" at one end and "I'm responsible for the world" at the other (and madness in between :-}). And sometimes people take satisfaction in satisfying others desires, and sometimes they find themselves doing things that they later wish they wouldn't, and sometimes both. You need to choose where you're going to set your boundaries around taking responsibilities for others, and while that may be a function of the person you're with, it's still a choice you make and then make your peace with. There are two people involved; it won't always work perfectly.
I'd be very surprised if your interactions with Lion weren't always pretty clear and clean and coming from a place of respect for his choices, and I'd be moderately surprised if there were many interactions that if you examined them closely you could say "Yes, it was appropriate for me to take responsibility for him there and not do that; ooops". My sense is that the time with you has been something that he's shaped *more* than most things in his life.
All IMO, of course. But I wouldn't think this is a big worry.
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You're right about the steamrolling business. Ultimately we all influence each other (to different degrees) and we all have agency (sometimes to different degrees) and that's how human interaction works. I seriously pondered yesterday whether I should try to go through life trying not to influence people, leading ONLY by example if that, and it works in some areas but damned if it doesn't break down in others. I don't want a physical relationship (sex or acro) where I'm never the first one to initiate a hug or a hand-hold event or whatever. Which means I have to be okay with the idea that sometimes, someone might do something for me and then regret it.
Lion did shape his time with me more than he's shaped most things in his life. That's true. I'm torn between "yay, you made a thing happen that was hard for you and took years!" and "ffs, I'm still here, you know, and can you please be a little less red-light-green-light about all this". Recalibrating somewhat based on the wall of text, now, I knew I had a poly newbie on my hands but now I think the newbie problem is also regarding all mutually-empowered relationships. Which is part of why I'm waiting this stage out.
I did always try to respect him! I just, you know, after he started the physical stuff, also did some seducing and kissing and hand-picking-up.