Big thinkings

[flexagon]

I'm thinking a bunch of deep thoughts, as a result of a few factors:

• The aforementioned career angsting and exec coach, etc. She did try to cheer me up on Friday, in several ways. They included imagining myself being 20 years older and looking back at this (I am such a cool 62-year-old! Do I tell my younger self not to fret so much?), and reading this how will you measure your life article that I didn't like. She encouraged me to find some level of good feelings and delight in making wise choices, in being okay right now, and to actually think about what life success means to me. No answers right now, but I like the idea of an "I know I'm being successful when" list (like this one, but, uh, not nearly as dudebro as that one).


• The bug has a shiny new diagnosis of ADHD, the inattentive variety. It's been fascinating hearing more about how he experiences life, though the lens of this, and I guess I get to meet his psychologist in a while so that's cool. I was fascinated to see this on the list of adult manifestations: "Maintaining excessive personal items such as storing old items of diminished usefulness."


• Lion did indeed send me some journaling. It's a wall of text analyzing some of his troubles (enmeshment? huh), conclusions, and determinations for the future. He's determined to be poly, and has pretty much told Lioness that he's willing to separate in order to allow that to happen, but there's no timeline. And of course no guarantee that any particular person, say someone with nasty issues around abandonment that he already dumped for stupid reasons, would be willing to get back together, or that he even wants that. (I shake my little fist, knowing perfectly well that this is in moth/flame territory.) In the meantime, there's a bunch of stuff in there about difficulty identifying/stating some of his own desires, and about going along with things and conflating his desires with others' and vice versa, that sent me on an evil spiral of hoping I never did anything with him that he didn't want to do. :(

Hypercube is next to me on the couch. So lovely and soft. My "I know I'm being successful when" list definitely needs to include my cats liking me enough to seek me out.

Comments

[flexagon]

It's cool, some of my best friends are hypocrites! :-)

You're right about the steamrolling business. Ultimately we all influence each other (to different degrees) and we all have agency (sometimes to different degrees) and that's how human interaction works. I seriously pondered yesterday whether I should try to go through life trying not to influence people, leading ONLY by example if that, and it works in some areas but damned if it doesn't break down in others. I don't want a physical relationship (sex or acro) where I'm never the first one to initiate a hug or a hand-hold event or whatever. Which means I have to be okay with the idea that sometimes, someone might do something for me and then regret it.

Lion did shape his time with me more than he's shaped most things in his life. That's true. I'm torn between "yay, you made a thing happen that was hard for you and took years!" and "ffs, I'm still here, you know, and can you please be a little less red-light-green-light about all this". Recalibrating somewhat based on the wall of text, now, I knew I had a poly newbie on my hands but now I think the newbie problem is also regarding all mutually-empowered relationships. Which is part of why I'm waiting this stage out.

I did always try to respect him! I just, you know, after he started the physical stuff, also did some seducing and kissing and hand-picking-up.