Are they rude or am I cheap?

[flexagon]

It's after business hours, so I can accept the going-to-hell factor of posting from work to get this one off my chest... two of HLM's friends are doing a birthday party next Friday that's basically going to cost every guest $100, before gift, by the time it's all over. These people have money, so it's fine for them, but what stuns me is how incredibly casual they are about assuming other people also have that kind of money (and are willing to spend it on a week's notice just to see them). I would never throw a party that demanded so much of the guests--I would consider it unspeakably rude. Especially since this is a large party they're putting together, so we're going to get about 3 minutes' worth of conversation from these people we're paying $200 to be in the company of. *rolleyes*

I like these people, but there's no way I would go to this if it weren't for HLM. What do you guys think? Am I being cheap, and should I just accept that most people in our location/age bracket can do this kind of thing? Or are they in fact being rude? To me their attitude about things like this seems downright cruel. And I know from experience that I'm going to end up paying for a bottle or so of expensive wine I don't drink... the woman in question always splits the bill n ways no matter who has what, even in a small group, and this is a large group. Ugh. Why they treat people this way is beyond me. :(

Comments

[webrat.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're being cheap at all. I must confess that this is probably a party that I would just throw money at and enjoy myself. Especially if it's for a good friend.

At the same time, I also realize that not everyone can afford it. When I pick my places for my birthday, it's all reasonable. After all, reasonable place to hang out means more gifts! ;)

[flexagon]

Yeah, I basically will throw the money and then lie back and enjoy it (and tone down the spending on other things for a while, sigh).

That said, I think this person is just getting a card from me, if anything.

[webrat.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the party.

[miyyu.livejournal.com]

I think that is horribly rude. This could be my class-warrior prejudice coming out, but I would NEVER assume my guests would be willing to take on ANY cost for a party I was holding. If you are going to go out with people for your birthday, the polite thing to do is ask people what would be a reasonable cost from them or at least offer them options and have them choose. And you only do that with people you are close to and therefore can comfortably and reasonably ask. You just don't assume people have money because you never know.

The only party like that I ever went to was a friend's birthday party who before it happened worked out how much per person it would be for a set menu at a restaurant and then asked all of us personally and kindly if it was feasible, and if ONE person who she was close to couldn't do it she either found a way to pay for them or was going to make other arrangements.

[flexagon]

Yay, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I do go to a birthday dinner with my friends each year, but I pick places well within the range of where they would go anyway for a non-birthday.

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

They're rude. Definitely.

[bluechromis.livejournal.com]

Hellaciously rude. Unless you and Alan run in much richer circles than I'm aware of. :P

[flexagon]

I'm afraid we do. In a way they aren't better off than the people in our circle, but they are MIT and they're 5 years older... so they did all their first-house-buying 5 years ago, that sort of thing. I guess what they are is comfortable (and rude).

[bluechromis.livejournal.com]

If they are that comfortable they should do the classy thing and pay for it all themselves. That's what people do when they're rich, compete by throwing the most lavish parties, and they don't charge the guests.

Totally uncool.

*cough*

[hiddenbear.livejournal.com]

Not that I am rich or anything, but I distinctly remember getting shot down every time I asked to pay for a certain pool party.

Re: *cough*

[bluechromis.livejournal.com]

Yeah you did. And you will every time. So siddown an shaddup!

Re: *cough*

[hiddenbear.livejournal.com]

*sitting*
*quietly*
*whimpering a little*

[jg26.livejournal.com]

Extremely rude! But then again, you and B (and other people I know through B) are the most financially stable people I know. Lots of people I know say, "I can't go out tonight, because I'm broke", and we're talking about $20 at a dive bar.

ummm, what about?

[hiddenbear.livejournal.com]

Thinking back to B's and my birthday parties, I can't imagine that they were cheap affairs for anyone. Dinner + drinks [+ pool] have a way of adding up. Are they going out to a restaurant that is going to cost $100 per person, or is this the summation of a bunch of different evening activities?

Which ever it is, it does suck that it is going to be so expensive. Can you participate in some of the events but not some of the more expensive parts?

Re: ummm, what about?

[bluechromis.livejournal.com]

Hmm. That is an interesting point, but for the majority of the guests it was $20/pool + drinks. Drinks are their own choice, and the $20 for pool was totally voluntary - there were definitely people who didn't contribute, and people who contributed more. Not that I'm saying $20 is nothing to everyone, but I think it's in the very reasonable range.

Now the gift certificate...THAT was over the top.

Re: ummm, what about?

[hiddenbear.livejournal.com]

I think flexagon is going to a party more similar to the dinner+ that the rest of the guests at our parties did.

Flexy, I think a good way to look at it is the differential. How much more is it going to be than you and HLM having a nice dinner out? True, it is a forced nice dinner out, but atleast some of the money you are spending is on you, not on the birthday boy.

Re: ummm, what about?

[flexagon]

Mm, you manage to see straight through to a whole new source of guilt for me: the restaurant I'm whining about, I finally realized I was last at for B's birthday party... and though it makes me feel very small to say so, yes, I was cringing then too, even as I organized the over-the-topness for the guitar. No offense to those who like it, but Maggianos = sheer torture!

The one I'm whining about now is to be Maggiano's ($60 last time) followed by Blue Man Group ($40 if we get the group rate). One of those is worth the money, and it's not the restaurant... but that's the only venue for actually talking. So I think I'm stuck with going to both.