flexagon | Feb. 12th, 2003

Every year people manage to get married and merge their money (or not) in some agreed-upon fashion without going stark raving mad. This is great and I'm happy for them, I just want to know how the hell they do it. I've been trying to put off all the money talk until after we've at least seen a financial counsellor (which we're doing tomorrow), but we talked a little last night and it really hit me in the stomach that I'm marrying someone who's 30 and has no retirement savings... none... and probably isn't planning on getting any for the next year or so. I would normally regard such a person as a statistic, or at least as so stunningly accepting of risk that I'd expect to see them day-trading when not flying their ultralight between power lines for kicks. I try to understand, and it isn't fair to make demands on how another adult handles money, but I don't get it and it's not clear when I'm going to get it. Now, that could all be okay; we have already agreed that neither of us is going to support the other one unless or until we both change our minds. That lets me off the hook for worrying about groceries or thinking the not working bit is going to go on forever... but it does NOT let me off the hook for worrying about retirement. I'm saving more than enough for two at the moment but it isn't fair to expect me to do that forever (especially if we get divorced in 20 years and then he's legally entitled to half of what I put aside, grrrrrrr). It also apparently is not going to help with getting a condo--lately it's seemed like we both wanted one but last night I floated the idea of me putting up the entire deposit in a couple of years, and apparently that was somewhat acceptable! Great, now I get to worry about unequal joint home ownership. What fun. I hope that was a preliminary comment and not a statement of expectations, because I had hoped that idea would go over like a box of bricks. For one thing, if I do save for a condo as much as I could, I won't be saving for retirement for two in the meantime... < ... stress ... >

I don't know what we need most--premarital counseling, a really hardcore prenup or just a chill pill for me. I looked up people for the first two in the phone book this morning, but the third doesn't seem to be in there. :( Now, lest you think I'm being a horrible fianceé right now, let me point out that I did wipe down our grody stove this morning. I'm trying to be nice. I just don't want either of us to get screwed over.