Clamming

So there's some medium-big stuff I haven't written about here, that I won't write about here. (It's more or less over.) Funny thing about me is that I accept these "don't talk about it" deals willingly; and I keep my word; but then if there's something on my mind that I feel I can't share, I have a tendency to clam up entirely, about everything. I feel confused, stuck, like someone pressed my "mute" button.

The canonical example of this is surely the way I didn't write to my grandparents for, uh, ten years, after agreeing with my mom that I wouldn't tell them about my biological child Birdie. I finally decided it was more cruel to not write than to keep a secret (one little secret... but I hate them), and I was writing regularly just about every two weeks until something else came along that I decided not to tell them about. For the last year I've barely written.

I think probably this reliance that I have on complete freedom of speech is non-adaptive, that I should learn to get more comfortable with limitations. I don't even know what goes on in my head to make it happen though. Maybe I consider it normal to talk/write about the thing that's most on my mind; so if I write/talk about B when A is really on my mind more, it feels deceptive.

Any comments or advice, citizens of LJ who maybe don't write about everything?