Clamming

[flexagon]

So there's some medium-big stuff I haven't written about here, that I won't write about here. (It's more or less over.) Funny thing about me is that I accept these "don't talk about it" deals willingly; and I keep my word; but then if there's something on my mind that I feel I can't share, I have a tendency to clam up entirely, about everything. I feel confused, stuck, like someone pressed my "mute" button.

The canonical example of this is surely the way I didn't write to my grandparents for, uh, ten years, after agreeing with my mom that I wouldn't tell them about my biological child Birdie. I finally decided it was more cruel to not write than to keep a secret (one little secret... but I hate them), and I was writing regularly just about every two weeks until something else came along that I decided not to tell them about. For the last year I've barely written.

I think probably this reliance that I have on complete freedom of speech is non-adaptive, that I should learn to get more comfortable with limitations. I don't even know what goes on in my head to make it happen though. Maybe I consider it normal to talk/write about the thing that's most on my mind; so if I write/talk about B when A is really on my mind more, it feels deceptive.

Any comments or advice, citizens of LJ who maybe don't write about everything?

Comments

[triesticity.livejournal.com]

No advice from me, but this is interesting to read because I think I'm pretty similar. I hadn't articulated it in this way, but yeah, I definitely relate to feeling stuck/like someone pressed my "mute" button/clamming up entirely if I feel like there's one thing or area I can't talk about it. Sometimes after the fact it feels useful to me, like having been silent was a way of giving myself time and space to work through whatever needed working through, but sometimes not so much.

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

I don't tell my family everything by a long shot; generally I keep my mother on a need-to-know basis. She doesn't do empathy and doesn't get anything outside of her personal experience. It works out better this way. Less arguing over stuff that will never be resolved or accepted.

As for hating your grandparents, I didn't have any communication with my paternal grandmother for the last 7ish years of her life. I wasn't angry with her any longer, but there's not much one can do with a drunken and angry old woman who is upset that you and her deadbeat son don't have a relationship. I ended up getting disowned, but that's fine.

I don't mind secrets. I guess I'm just used to it.

[flexagon]

I don't hate my grandparents... I hate secrets. You're right though, that sentence can be read both ways! Oops. :-)

I don't happen to tell my family everything, but somehow that's different for me than having made a decision that I can't tell them.

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

Oh, so have I. Sort of a different direction from yours, though. I had an abortion a few months before my 21st birthday. I guess it's a different kind of secret... much more easily concealable and not something that is at the front of my mind most of the time. But yeah, my Catholic/Republican family would be beyond upset if they ever found out.

[ellenclaire.livejournal.com]

No advice, but I can relate. I often feel like I can't talk about huge chunks of my life and my emotions with most people (for various reasons), and that makes me feel muted - because I can't talk about what's on my mind, it feels difficult to talk about anything personal at all. It can be really lonely. There are 2, maybe 3 people with whom I feel comfortable and safe enough to really talk openly.

This is actually a big part of the reason I don't write on here any more.

That said, if you enjoy your connection to your grandparents, finding a way to maintain that connection is important, because it's not going to be available forever. Having regrets sucks a lot more than keeping secrets, in my experience.

[khamsin.livejournal.com]

I'm the opposite - this is one of the primary reasons I DO write here these days. Most of my LJ people are disconnected from my regular life, and so this feels like a safe place to work through things on which I need feedback (or grievances that just need to be aired) without dealing with the oft messy in person stuff.

It sucks when even this space doesn't feel safe or quiet enough for the things that are really on your mind.