Nov. 9th, 2014

flexagon: (racing-turtle)
I'm feeling navel-gazey; thinking a lot about how I've been at Zillian for a rather astonishing 7 years, and managing for two of those years. It has changed me, of course. (One of Po Bronson's big points in What Should I Do With My Life? is: don't pretend that what you do doesn't shape you. And I don't, because it does.) I'm forced to confront my slow-growing comfort with the place; there are many things I like about big companies, from their deep pockets to their support staff. I'd prefer not to pigeonhole myself as a "big company person" (the happiest year of my professional life was at a 130-person company), but this may in fact be on the way to being the case, without my particular consent. I become, also, ever more at ease with people-management; compensation planning went without an emotional hitch this year, and I'm not dreading the conversations that will follow, even though I have to tell at least one person that they're being paid really highly for their level and are (therefore) not going to get a raise, not now and not for a long time. I'm okay with my own manager not being super strong as a manager -- don't need that any more, so long as they don't hurt me or mine -- and not overly disgruntled by the next reorg coming down the pike. Growing up. Growing up corporate. If I'm not okay with these directions of development, I should act to change my environment; if I don't, it means I accept that I'll keep growing in these ways.

I'm also noodling on movement patterns and my own artistic/athletic interests, trying to tease them apart and figure out what to pursue. I saw some modern dance last night that I think was pretty good by objective standards, and was intrigued by watching my own attention wander; in the pieces where people wore all different clothing I found myself looking at the clothes more than the dances, and I wasn't able to be interested in most of the movements they made (with some exceptions, like the bait-and-switch forward leaps that turned into backwards motion on the floor, or any time the dancers showed their flexibility). But in the final piece there were both ballet -- oh, suddenly I'm interested in the en pointe movements, I can't do that -- and weight sharing / acro, which perked me up and kept me riveted.


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