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[5 weeks] I have been in my own way
Jan. 26th, 2025 03:50 pmYeah. I've been a problem for myself this week -- using my time poorly early in the day due to anxiety, then feeling bad about that to the point that I can only semi-rally to use the rest of my time better. I missed two planned workouts for dumb reasons, freaked out about Trump's terrible spate of executive orders, freaked out about Ezra Klein's podcast about Trump (because Ezra sounded scared and I've never heard that before), and had a weekend of somewhat unusual scheduling. This did include a staff show from my local circus school with the bug, though, and an hour at a "sauna village" with the squirrel in which we baked in a sauna and then dipped in a cold plunge (repeat x4). They are such good partners. I do believe I'll keep them.
I've been playing the "what if this were easy" game a lot, which means of course that things haven't been feeling easy naturally. Anxiety about work has been all out of proportion to how bad or unpleasant it really is; there's just a trapped claustrophobic feeling and a desire to not have my time scheduled and to have to pretend I care about things, even when things are pretty okay. Which, mostly, they were. I got my annual performance review back and it was just to my taste -- standard non-newsworthy rating but with all positive words. Flying under that radar! I felt the requisite guilt at not telling my boss I'm leaving, yet, although it won't be long until I can. Released other people's scores to them, largely without mishap or drama. Started on writing/assembling a presentation that is on my real, personal burndown list of things I'd like to do in order to make a clean exit, which I should really write down with a sharpie and put somewhere visible.
Social time: with two ex-Zillianaires at my place, while I finished up my cylinder-drawing homework for drawing class, and then also with our downstairs neighbors who we'd been putting off for months. (Caltrop is terrified of their 2-year-old, and who can blame her?) Today while warming up for handstands I managed to watch the video for my next drawing class, where I get to move on to... cubes. How straightforward.
I'm trying to Be Responsible, and engage with taxes and with possible real estate. Prescriptions. Automatic deposits. Blah, blah. A year ago my motto was "clear the backlog, prepare the runway" and I guess January is always a slog, really. Last year I didn't even have a little black squirrel to feed walnuts to.
I've been playing the "what if this were easy" game a lot, which means of course that things haven't been feeling easy naturally. Anxiety about work has been all out of proportion to how bad or unpleasant it really is; there's just a trapped claustrophobic feeling and a desire to not have my time scheduled and to have to pretend I care about things, even when things are pretty okay. Which, mostly, they were. I got my annual performance review back and it was just to my taste -- standard non-newsworthy rating but with all positive words. Flying under that radar! I felt the requisite guilt at not telling my boss I'm leaving, yet, although it won't be long until I can. Released other people's scores to them, largely without mishap or drama. Started on writing/assembling a presentation that is on my real, personal burndown list of things I'd like to do in order to make a clean exit, which I should really write down with a sharpie and put somewhere visible.
Social time: with two ex-Zillianaires at my place, while I finished up my cylinder-drawing homework for drawing class, and then also with our downstairs neighbors who we'd been putting off for months. (Caltrop is terrified of their 2-year-old, and who can blame her?) Today while warming up for handstands I managed to watch the video for my next drawing class, where I get to move on to... cubes. How straightforward.
I'm trying to Be Responsible, and engage with taxes and with possible real estate. Prescriptions. Automatic deposits. Blah, blah. A year ago my motto was "clear the backlog, prepare the runway" and I guess January is always a slog, really. Last year I didn't even have a little black squirrel to feed walnuts to.
