Too much of a good thing?

[flexagon]

Yay! The trip went well. We did our demo to a much larger crowd than we anticipated, and since it was pretty stable and pretty reliably giving good results there was no last-minute panicky work, and if we got a little crash the second time we ran it, nyeh... nobody was very annoyed, since they had already seen it working right. So, basically, it was two days in which I got off work early, ate really good food and hung around in my hotel room reading Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, which is quite as strange a book as you might guess from the title.

(Next up: Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey, an S&M fantasy book about a courtesan-spy who is forever doomed to feel pain as pleasure and vice versa. It's supposed to be really good, and they keep not stocking it at Pandemonium, so I was quite happy when I spotted it on the airport bookstore shelf.)

I'm still having the most horrible (but intermittent, thank goodness) feelings of total detachment from everything in my life. When I was walking to my friends' from Davis last night (my plane having landed in time for me to catch half of Queer Eye), I was totally feeling like I was not going to find fabulous friends and a nice husband and a great apartment waiting for me. I don't know what I thought was real, mind you, but nothing so nice as all that. It's really fucked up... I guess I am sometimes still having issues with relaxing and accepting nice things. When you spend your formative years pretty much hunkering down and surviving, the whole "relax and accept the generosity of the universe" bit doesn't come easy. I really have gotten way better at that in the last few years. But lately, what with getting married, and work going well (to the point of the CEO not hating me... say what?), and money worries easing up, I'm not handling it so well. Breathe... relax... breathe... relax... repeat after me, it's real. it's real. it's real.

This morning is better: I believe. All is well. Time to do my travel form from the trip, and turn the heat on in our apartment (kitty was so snuggly last night, she must have been cold), and really set about the business of getting back to normal life. I have no more business trips now for about 6 weeks, and I sure as hell have no more weddings, so I can do that kind of thing now. Owoo! The freedom! :) I start by heading back to tae kwon do tonight for the first real class in, like, a month... should be fun to see how that one goes.

Comments

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

When you spend your formative years pretty much hunkering down and surviving, the whole "relax and accept the generosity of the universe" bit doesn't come easy.

I understand that completely...oh, boy, do I! :)

I'm glad things are going so well.

[flexagon]

oh good, I'm glad that made sense to someone. :)

Oh yes, me too of course...

[bluechromis.livejournal.com]

I'm just not even really contemplating accepting the generosity just yet. I'd be fooling myself to try and the backlash would not be pretty.