Exes, aging and handstands

[flexagon]

Freaky Facebook moment... my ex posted a picture of himself in which he looks easily like he's over 50. While this is clearly from a Civil War re-enactment thing, I don't think there's makeup involved.

He's 44, for the record. I'm 36. But goddamn, we look like we have a 20-year age gap. :-/

In other news, this week I dreamed I had my press handstand. I kept pressing it up from the ground to a straddle pike position. Someone encouraged me to finish with my legs and I cheerfully said "Nah, I'm just working this part right now". Then I woke up, of course. :-(

Bleh. I keep working and having all these little firsts... first straddle press from two crash mats (don't laugh), first time jumping from kneeling into a handstand (on the wall, but I always hated that drill, so it was pretty cool to succeed), first time really feeling the shoulder push when jumping into straddle. And of course I was again the only one to hold a 90-second hs on the wall in class tonight. None of it's a press, though, or even a jump onto canes.

What sucks is that people are starting to assume I'm good at handbalancing, I assume because of partner acro. Two or three times lately I've gotten "oh, you don't have your press yet?" Um, no, I don't, and I don't want to get all embarrassed about it because that will REALLY derail me. Shame and progress don't mix so well. Sigh... I need to ready some graceful response before it happens again, or the questioner is going to get a lot more response than they expect.

Comments

[nacht_musik]

Wow, I'd forgotten about you and M dating.
Most of all, it's the grey sideburns. But, yeah.

[rifmeister.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I totally know what you mean. X and Y are heavily correlated, and I'm good at X, so they assume I'm good at Y, and then I'm kind of embarrassed that I'm not good at Y, and then it becomes so much of a muchness. Anyways, just keep breathing and working and smiling. You know that.

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

I think I remember you talking about an ex who was unduly critical. Is this the same guy?

[serrin.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel about the press up reaction. I myself experience a feeling of embarrassment, shame and a little bit of anger when people ask me the dreaded "do you have a one arm?" To which my no usually elicits an "oh". Luckily I've found myself getting away from my standard reply of "no, I'm not a real handbalancer yet" and instead going with more of a "I'm still working on it, its an ongoing battle" type of response. Maybe something along the "still working on it" line might be a good response for you.

[islenskr.livejournal.com]

I know exactly what you mean (and what rifmeister said) about people assuming you're good at one thing because you're good at another thing. I have a kickass accent when I speak German, so people, even Germans, assume that I'm completely fluent. I once got a job offer to be a translator when I was studying in Germany. It freaked me right the fuck out.

But back to the press: screw the press for now! Look at all the cool things you can do!! Most people can't even do a handstand against a wall, never mind doing one on someone else while they're standing. :D

[flexagon]

Yeah, sometimes I forget too. 18 months of bad judgement when I was 17 and 18... though we did manage to teach each other some things about writing and editing.

I am shocked every time I see him, now. :-(

[flexagon]

It is indeed the same guy, now older and fatter.

[flexagon]

Thanks, friend. Much of a muchness, yes. And I do plan to keep working. I just wish people would shut up -- I can get discouraged enough by myself, without feeling like I'm surprising other people in a disappointing way.

[flexagon]

It's really validating to learn this happens to other people! I see how that could happen, with the German.

Distracting myself with the things I *can* do is a fine suggestion, thanks. In yoga I used to distract myself from slow flexibility improvements by focusing on strength stuff...

Maybe I'm getting too goal-oriented and forgetting to enjoy the process. But DAMN are other people not helping me right now.

[islenskr.livejournal.com]

Perhaps I could come by and fly with you guys and show you how much I suck at it. ;) You could compare and contrast.

I thought of you this morning! I practiced a very random crocodile (two handed still) at the gym this morning. One of the older guys said, "hey, Bob! Look! Look! Quick!" And then, "Hey, stop it over there, you're making us all look bad." They're very sweet guys - and easily impressed. I can get it pretty good on the right side, but the left side is getting to be almost impossible.

I understand about other people - hmm. Maybe it would help if you thought of something they're not particularly good at that you CAN do?

[flexagon]

Oh, how unfortunate. I guess if it's not one skill people bug you about, it's the next. :-/

Thanks for understanding. I've said various things... "still a work in progress", "I get coaching three times a week", "my coach says I'm pretty close", "no, still working on that proprioception".

I still hate feeling like I'm disappointing people. And there is the little surge of anger, like you mentioned. Like, who is this random person to expect anything at all of me? And then there's the way they just kind of dismissively expect me to have something that's been my goal for years and years, and is huge for me. I think one-arms are similar... more advanced, obviously, I only mean similar in that they are hard and people work at them for years.

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

And apparently he is into really boring hobbies, too.

[ellenclaire.livejournal.com]

This happens to me all the time, about all sorts of tricks and skills. There are a whole lot of things I wish I could do, that I can't do, that other people sometimes I assume I can do, and yeah, the shame/embarrassment/anger response is common and also hugely unhelpful.

I don't really have any advice other than to say I hear you, and I think you're great, and try to remember that having a press or not has zero impact on your worth as a person.

[flexagon]

He has some boring hobbies and some interesting ones. He's teaching an SF writing workshop through an adult education class this year, which is the one thing that reminds me of how he used to be.

[flexagon]

Thanks Ellen. :-)

It's really nice to be hearing, from non-acrobats as well as acrobats, that this kind of thing with random expectations happens to other people too. And I'm okay going through some discouragement. I just don't want to get all emotionally hung up on the discouragement, if that makes sense, and get all embarrassed / blocked. All those months when I wasn't working my hand-to-hand, ugh... it would do me no good AT ALL to get frozen up and stop working handbalancing.

I'll have to think about this "worth as a person" thing, but suspect you have a valid point there too.