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flexagonA poll, LJ friends, inspired by recent discussions with my husband. You can probably guess where I most naturally stand on the following issue, but I want to ask you... and, ironically, yes I was asked to write this post. So:
Thinking about intimacy -- imagining someone you feel really close to, a lover, a spouse, or someone imaginary who represents whatever your highest ideal of intimacy is -- is it important that there are private things only known to the two of you?
Another word for these private things is "secrets". So we could also say secrets -- is intimacy associated with secrets? -- although some people would talk about privacy or specialness instead.
One view: no, it's an awfully fragile intimacy that breaks just because someone else sees it.
Another view: yes, some things that happen between people are special and private, and the relationship benefits from having some things unshared.
[Poll #1936110]
Points to consider: what about a whole relationship that's kept secret? Ever had one of those friends who's only your friend in private but wouldn't talk to you at school? Or, as an adult, someone who was attracted to you, maybe even your lover, in private but not in public? How does that relate to your thoughts about intimacy in those relationships? Unrelated to whether some secrets are necessary, is it necessary to have some things publicly known, as well? Why are weddings most often a public event done in front of family and friends?
Thinking about intimacy -- imagining someone you feel really close to, a lover, a spouse, or someone imaginary who represents whatever your highest ideal of intimacy is -- is it important that there are private things only known to the two of you?
Another word for these private things is "secrets". So we could also say secrets -- is intimacy associated with secrets? -- although some people would talk about privacy or specialness instead.
One view: no, it's an awfully fragile intimacy that breaks just because someone else sees it.
Another view: yes, some things that happen between people are special and private, and the relationship benefits from having some things unshared.
[Poll #1936110]
Points to consider: what about a whole relationship that's kept secret? Ever had one of those friends who's only your friend in private but wouldn't talk to you at school? Or, as an adult, someone who was attracted to you, maybe even your lover, in private but not in public? How does that relate to your thoughts about intimacy in those relationships? Unrelated to whether some secrets are necessary, is it necessary to have some things publicly known, as well? Why are weddings most often a public event done in front of family and friends?
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Date: 2013-09-28 04:03 pm (UTC)The Redhead and I have "in" jokes that definitely enhance our intimacy. "looking for the cookware" whenever a tent is set up for instance. Its not something we would share openly with others (but this is LJ-land.) She has revealed some very painful things to me in the past. To violate her trust in those matters would be a violation of her trust in me.
I think intimacy and trust go hand in hand. If you violate the trust, you often make it so the other person can't be open with you. Therefore losing the closeness you enjoyed.
Never had a whole relationship kept secret so I can't discuss that.
Never would be friends with someone who wouldn't openly be my friend (its a pride thing yo...I kinda rock.)
Never had a secret lover but I imagine having one is enhanced a bit by "NOBODY KNOWS THAT I AM BOINKING YOU IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM..."
I think weddings are public due to the historical connection of bonding two families together. The daughter was being passed onto a new family. It was important for the village to know that some cows and sheep were being swapped and the property associated with her now belongs to the new family. Something like that.
Anyways, I think some private stuff between two people enhances intimacy because it shows/provides a safe space to share openly. I know when my relationship with the Penguin Girl was dying, we lost that space and it hurt. It was the beginning of the death throws of that relationship.
Especially when thinking of past relationships that have ended, its not only the booty I miss, but being allowed into the depths of that person's mind and life.