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flexagonA poll, LJ friends, inspired by recent discussions with my husband. You can probably guess where I most naturally stand on the following issue, but I want to ask you... and, ironically, yes I was asked to write this post. So:
Thinking about intimacy -- imagining someone you feel really close to, a lover, a spouse, or someone imaginary who represents whatever your highest ideal of intimacy is -- is it important that there are private things only known to the two of you?
Another word for these private things is "secrets". So we could also say secrets -- is intimacy associated with secrets? -- although some people would talk about privacy or specialness instead.
One view: no, it's an awfully fragile intimacy that breaks just because someone else sees it.
Another view: yes, some things that happen between people are special and private, and the relationship benefits from having some things unshared.
[Poll #1936110]
Points to consider: what about a whole relationship that's kept secret? Ever had one of those friends who's only your friend in private but wouldn't talk to you at school? Or, as an adult, someone who was attracted to you, maybe even your lover, in private but not in public? How does that relate to your thoughts about intimacy in those relationships? Unrelated to whether some secrets are necessary, is it necessary to have some things publicly known, as well? Why are weddings most often a public event done in front of family and friends?
Thinking about intimacy -- imagining someone you feel really close to, a lover, a spouse, or someone imaginary who represents whatever your highest ideal of intimacy is -- is it important that there are private things only known to the two of you?
Another word for these private things is "secrets". So we could also say secrets -- is intimacy associated with secrets? -- although some people would talk about privacy or specialness instead.
One view: no, it's an awfully fragile intimacy that breaks just because someone else sees it.
Another view: yes, some things that happen between people are special and private, and the relationship benefits from having some things unshared.
[Poll #1936110]
Points to consider: what about a whole relationship that's kept secret? Ever had one of those friends who's only your friend in private but wouldn't talk to you at school? Or, as an adult, someone who was attracted to you, maybe even your lover, in private but not in public? How does that relate to your thoughts about intimacy in those relationships? Unrelated to whether some secrets are necessary, is it necessary to have some things publicly known, as well? Why are weddings most often a public event done in front of family and friends?
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Date: 2013-09-29 03:50 am (UTC)Did you ever see the movie "Smoke Signals" where a woman describes her relationship to a man as "we kept each other's secrets"? I suspect that that is a lot of what I think about secrets. There are things that for one reason or another need to be between two people: friends, lovers, spouses, whatever. There are things about the Bear that I would never tell anyone; there are things about mutual friends that I'd never tell the Bear.
At the same time, I also think that there are the secrets that are yours and yours alone. Some might be comparatively minor and somemight be more significant.