Intimacy, as related (or unrelated) to privacy and secret-keeping

[flexagon]

A poll, LJ friends, inspired by recent discussions with my husband. You can probably guess where I most naturally stand on the following issue, but I want to ask you... and, ironically, yes I was asked to write this post. So:

Thinking about intimacy -- imagining someone you feel really close to, a lover, a spouse, or someone imaginary who represents whatever your highest ideal of intimacy is -- is it important that there are private things only known to the two of you?

Another word for these private things is "secrets". So we could also say secrets -- is intimacy associated with secrets? -- although some people would talk about privacy or specialness instead.

One view: no, it's an awfully fragile intimacy that breaks just because someone else sees it.

Another view: yes, some things that happen between people are special and private, and the relationship benefits from having some things unshared.

[Poll #1936110]

Points to consider: what about a whole relationship that's kept secret? Ever had one of those friends who's only your friend in private but wouldn't talk to you at school? Or, as an adult, someone who was attracted to you, maybe even your lover, in private but not in public? How does that relate to your thoughts about intimacy in those relationships? Unrelated to whether some secrets are necessary, is it necessary to have some things publicly known, as well? Why are weddings most often a public event done in front of family and friends?

Comments

same here

[elbren]

though I was framing it as "if a relationship is actually intimate, it's going to have secrets" - just because, if you know someone well, you're going to get things about them that others just don't - same for being known. it's not a secret like "I could tell you but I won't" it's a secret like an unexplainable mystery (in the religious, not genre fiction, sense)