This is a dumb roller-coaster, I want off

[flexagon]

Oh man. I'd been feeling better, but yesterday I spent lunchtime sobbing in a phone room and Googling "amygdala trigger" and "what to do in panic attack" (not because I was having a no-reason actual panic attack, but because it was absolutely a surprising episode of intense fear/grieving stuff). The internet proved amazingly helpful there, I must say... this page is very nice with its focus on "it will subside no matter what you do, so overcoming it is not your job, making yourself more comfortable is your job."

And there are some amazing PTSD forums out there. Mad props to this and this. I hope my dad knows about those. I really liked looking around for five blue things, and the CBT 5x5 technique of naming 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, etc... all intended to focus on the present.

Anyway, I'm tired of not posting. I'm not going crazy. People are behaving super unpredictably in areas I care about, and if you think I'm bad with ambiguity, holy crap, you should see how I deal with shocky surprise. I'd say I'm working on it, but I'm not. Right now I'm just trying to get through without ruining anybody's entire year.

I know it's not the good thing, I know it's not the right thing, but kinda I want to....

I feel like it has to turn the corner at some point, but so far, having similar surprises over and over again is just making it all that much more sensitive.

Comments

[elbren]

thanks for the grounding tips links.
hope you feel better soon.

and, yeah, shocky surprises. no good at all.
hates them with the fire of 1000 suns.

[flexagon]

Yayyyyy, I am pleased to hear I'm not the only one. Fire of 1000 suns BURN.

[sammason.livejournal.com]

Knowing you so little (yet) I've no overview of what you write about here. It sounds painful and I hope there's an overall improvement.

[flexagon]

Thank you. I haven't given an overview/summary yet because it's too painful and too rapidly evolving, but I will do it, and in the meantime the support is appreciated.

[nahele-101.livejournal.com]

I like that statement on panic attacks. We were just covering things like panic attacks yesterday. I think a big thing with them is to just remove any triggers around the person if possible, and yah, make them comfortable.

It's amazing how the mind can control the body's reactions and create feelings similar to heart attacks/asthma.

Be kind to yourself.

[flexagon]

It really is amazing. I think it's probably a distress call, mimicing a physical medical emergency so that others (and the self!) will respond and help. Like the way a cat's purr means 'stay with me'.

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/04/your-cat-is-trying-to-talk-to-you.html

I don't understand how after I get triggered, even after the sharpest part of the attack subsides, I stay "down" for some period of time until brought out of it by something. After I come out of it I can't REALLY remember how it felt to be in it, and vice versa.

Ironically, I'm one of the more stable and articulate people I know. But not for this. Working on the kindness thing. :)

[nahele-101.livejournal.com]

That is a great insight I will carry with me on wards.
I hope you're already better by the time you read this.

[nahele-101.livejournal.com]

Do you know what brings you out of these funk periods the quickest?

[melebeth]

I send hugs and a note that rhythmic movement is also helpful - like dancing or yoga.

[flexagon]

Ah, thanks. I felt mostly frozen while the intense part was going on, and don't think I could have done full-body motion. But it did feel good to trace a circle on the inside of my wrist over and over, with a finger.

I don't have too many coping skills around the really extreme reactions because they happen to me so seldom. I can see now how it's good to collect some. Three prongs, I guess:
* Better skills for dealing with extreme reactions
* Lessening of initial reactivity by de-catastrophizing and getting used to things (when not in that state)
* Communication to others about what's likely to be that triggery, so that they can avoid contributing.

[coraline]

want to make plans to get tea or dinner or a drink?

[flexagon]

LOVE this icon in this context. :)

Also, I will actually tell the story sometime, in this forum, with extreme conciseness. It's just that telling it now seems to drag me back through it all, when I need to appreciate the moments of bouyancy I get.

Strangely for a Saturday, I'm free a lot of today. Not sure how that happened. It's hard to imagine it would have happened to both of us, but if it did, tea or drink sounds great! If it didn't then we might have to wait a bit.

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

Down with unpleasant shocky surprises! Let's banish them!

We really need to have better geography so we can get a drink.

[motyl.livejournal.com]

Ugh! I'm sorry I'm only reading this now (though glad to know things are going better by now!) For future reference if real time hugs or other forms of support would be helpful please feel encouraged to reach out. I've had enough sneak hugs and therapeutic walks around the garden with Zillian-friends to know how sanity-saving they can be, for me at least.

Re:

[flexagon]

Sorry in turn for the late reply, which is: thank you. I saw the anonymous post, wasn't sure who had left it (I was incorrectly guessing R.S.) and didn't notice that it was re-posted under your name.

I feel like your time is super valuable right now, so I appreciate even more that you would offer it. Things aren't as bad now, but it is strange and sobering to realize that I never even THOUGHT of asking any friends for realtime support at the time. I don't know why. :-/