Joint projects and solo projects?

[flexagon]

I got into a kind of bad headspace last night -- triggered, interestingly, by thinking about a work email thread where my input was being totally brushed off. Then thinking about relationships.

One difference (I thought, sleepily) is that at Zillian it feels like we're all supposed to be helping each other and working on the same side for a common good, so being ignored feels like being told I'm useless. In relationships, where's the joint project that would imply my input would EVER do any good? (It all feels very lonely though, if there is no joint project at all, and if we're just waving hi to each other without substantive effect... I don't think I would want to bother with that.) Eventually I got so sleepy that I couldn't figure out what a relationship was anymore, which was good because puzzling on that put me to sleep.



This morning, I thought maybe there are joint projects and solo projects. It can hurt quite shockingly to have input rejected when you've gotten used to a lot of things being joint projects, but maybe it'd be easier if people had a vocabulary to say "this is a solo project, I need to figure it out on my own and I don't want feedback right now."

Then the conversation could go on with "I thought we'd be exploring this space together" and then "Nope" and maybe it would all be awful, but the concepts would be there. Or maybe it would go on with "Mmmkay, well, let me know if you ever do want feedback" and that'd be it.

I do still think relationships need joint projects, but that's another post.

Comments

[islenskr.livejournal.com]

This seems tangentially related, maybe?
I've noticed lately (though it's been happening for years), that some people often try to solicit advice when I definitely didn't want it but was just giving those people a heads up, or making light conversation. Mostly, it's my dad or Drinking Guy at work who end up trying to tell me how to fix my problem. I've been learning to say "Thanks, but I'm dealing with this" or "Thanks, I don't need help right now, but I'll let you know if I do." Of course, as a precursor to that, I need to learn to say "this is a thing I'm working on on my own" before anyone has a chance to say anything.

On the other hand, when I'm in the unwanted-help-receiving situation, I wish the people with advice would ask if I was looking for help before giving it.

Now that I read through this again, I'm not sure if that's related at all...

[flexagon]

Yeah, it seems exactly related -- you're experiencing it from the other side, that's all. You could talk to them about it in general, but it's probably easier and makes less of a blanket statement for you to start prefacing (or following) things with "This is totally under control now but..." or "I'm not looking for feedback."

I'm on the other side, desperately WANTING to give feedback since I think I can see something beneficial, but finding that it's not wanted.