I feel pretty...
Apr. 15th, 2003 11:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flexagonAll these body image troubles on LJ lately... someone's gotta lighten up the mood, and I volunteer! I'm wearing my new funky black tights from Italy, with a grey skirt (pretty short for office wear, but I think I've gotten people used to it by now), a black sleeveless shirt and black walking shoes. HLM woke up early and he was literally following me around watching me put on shoes, etc, this morning, so you just know I must look extra good. ;)
The tights are black and have thinner black circles (packed on a square grid, so each circle touches four others) on them. Ah loves em. Crazysexykewl.
Unfortunately, I continue to care about function as well as appearance, and I continued to exhibit self-destructive behavior at tae kwon do last night... I'm having SUCH an emotionally hard time getting over the fact that I'm stuck at green belt for a while! And it's weird, because I do so many things where I don't really worry about my skill level. I thought about it and decided that most of it is feeling that I can't trust my own judgement on whether I'm getting better... cuz I thought I was and was told rather clearly that I was wrong, or at least not better enough. So now I feel I can't judge my own progress, and they continue to not give me much feedback, so I feel like I have nothing to tell me if I'm progressing, and it feels like I'm not progressing. But then I still see people testing and I still think I should be testing too! So, I have this nasty dynamic going on where I think about all this while I should be focusing on what I'm doing, and then after class I cry. I confided all this to my friend L and she says it's all a mental game, and I must be progressing since I'm working so hard, and if I walk in there with confidence and tell myself over and over that I AM progressing, it will be true. So that is what I'll try doing tonight. I need to get over this soon, or quit, because I don't care to spend as many hours/week as I spend on TKD being miserable. GrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrrr I think I'm being stupid. Anyway, I cried briefly on HLM and felt better, and tonight maybe I'll be able to focus. That would be good.
The tights are black and have thinner black circles (packed on a square grid, so each circle touches four others) on them. Ah loves em. Crazysexykewl.
Unfortunately, I continue to care about function as well as appearance, and I continued to exhibit self-destructive behavior at tae kwon do last night... I'm having SUCH an emotionally hard time getting over the fact that I'm stuck at green belt for a while! And it's weird, because I do so many things where I don't really worry about my skill level. I thought about it and decided that most of it is feeling that I can't trust my own judgement on whether I'm getting better... cuz I thought I was and was told rather clearly that I was wrong, or at least not better enough. So now I feel I can't judge my own progress, and they continue to not give me much feedback, so I feel like I have nothing to tell me if I'm progressing, and it feels like I'm not progressing. But then I still see people testing and I still think I should be testing too! So, I have this nasty dynamic going on where I think about all this while I should be focusing on what I'm doing, and then after class I cry. I confided all this to my friend L and she says it's all a mental game, and I must be progressing since I'm working so hard, and if I walk in there with confidence and tell myself over and over that I AM progressing, it will be true. So that is what I'll try doing tonight. I need to get over this soon, or quit, because I don't care to spend as many hours/week as I spend on TKD being miserable. GrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrrr I think I'm being stupid. Anyway, I cried briefly on HLM and felt better, and tonight maybe I'll be able to focus. That would be good.
