Various emotions and developments

[flexagon]

This week had some weird emotional stuff at work. It wasn't a normal week to begin with, because I spent two days teaching instead of doing my usual. Then there was the part where I spoke about my childhood in front of a crowd of coworkers (minimally and lightly, but still), and also the part where I was hearing about something sad in another part of my team and I got to see my boss cry. :-( This is all totally separate from the HR issue that also blew up after business hours one day, sending four of us little managers scurrying around to each other to decide to escalate, together, above our vacationing director to the VP. We didn't have full consensus on doing that, either, despite it being in my opinion an obvious call. *headdesk*

I saw Quarte yesterday and pried his foot off another inch or so off the sexual brake. He's been a little overwrought about sex, if you ask me, and a couple of weeks ago he'd expressed that having an orgasm with someone felt scary because it felt like giving them his soul. So last week I told him that if someone were to accidentally give me a soul, that would be okay: I would hold onto it for a few minutes, take care of it and then give it back. Apparently that stuck and was the Right Thing To Say! Good. Little wins, I will take them. Still no soul-transfers (or intercourse, for that matter: GRUMP), but at this point there should probably be a friendly betting pool on when.

Working toward a breakup with serious structured acro. Or, actually, done, today -- my latest partner's usual performance partner is free to take dynamic with him, so I'm out and they're in. I want my Monday evenings back, and I want to work on stuff that will actually pay off. Of course upon sending the final text I got hit with a wave of very unpleasant FOMO, but that's the point, brain, let's do miss out on an awkward schedule with hard work that doesn't go anywhere and a weird "are you in the in-club" feeling attached! So, today I went out to the park for the first time in a long time. That was a good call. I got to vent to people who Understood, and do very nice standing hand-to-hands on three different people including soong, and I walked away with one person who'd like to take private lessons and one person who'd like to video a particular (long) acroyoga flow. So I feel better, and like I can ease off on the stressful stuff without my acrolife having to be entirely over, even though the jams are time-consuming and I've been feeling edgy about time lately.

Speaking of which, the work email calls.

Comments

[drwex]

I would be interested in hearing more about the work stuff not least of all because it's the kind of thing that I think happens to all of us managers at some point and is very much Not Talked About in any formal way. Also, no F'ing way am I going to talk about my childhood with pretty much anyone but there's that. I can make up stuff if required.

I saw Quarte yesterday and pried his foot off another inch or so off the sexual brake

I both wish you luck and find myself wondering if this is a person who's ever going to be able to give Enthusiastic Consent and how you feel about that.

[flexagon]

I would be interested in hearing more about the work stuff

A very senior, male engineer got upset about a design decision and loudly said some disrespectful things to a more junior, female engineer in the group. The SME reports directly to our director, who's out of touch right now, and has a history of such outbursts, making this not just a one-off thing. The manager of the JFE was all in a kerfluffle and needed to be guided on calmly escalating above the absent director. In the meantime, another manager at our level was defending the SME's actions in a way indicating that he, the other manager, had not actually read our Code of Conduct lately. Long story short, we escalated and there has been an apology, and no drastic action taken right now. I worry about that pattern, though, and about us not dealing with it decisively enough as a group.

no F'ing way am I going to talk about my childhood

It was light, and directly from a socioeconomic diversity angle. As with all forms of diversity, I think it's important for those of us with enough status and standing to safely come out about it to do so.

I both wish you luck and find myself wondering if this is a person who's ever going to be able to give Enthusiastic Consent and how you feel about that.

I thought of a few answers to this, but it all comes down to the double signal he sends out. I realized that the phrase "enthusiastic consent" actually does touch on both signals: enthusiasm from the "yes" signal and "consent" more or less coming from the absence of the "no" signal. Looked at that way, it will take some time until I get that. But I'm content moving forward based on the enthusiasm part, which is there, and of course the fact that he's using his words. I don't mind pressuring someone a little, as long as I know that they want me to.

[drwex]

I worry about that pattern, though, and about us not dealing with it decisively enough as a group.

I support your concerns here. It's my experience that when you see one incident of this sort there are nine more that you didn't see and junior people talk to each other more than senior people remember. Stuff like this goes through the grapevine like lightning and there are rarely good choices.

As with all forms of diversity, I think it's important for those of us with enough status and standing to safely come out about it to do so.

More power to you. I have had pictures of girlfriends on my desk at work and have used that word in conversation, but I'm nohow "out" to most people here. It was A Very Big Deal a year or two ago when I came out to a favored cow orker. There's at least one more cow orker who knows now but she's so very One Of Us that it's not actually coming out. I do acknowledge that I have a lot more privilege and power to come out safely than other people. Hell, we've been interviewed by the Boston Globe so anyone with curiosity and a functional search engine is going to figure things out if they want. But I'm also a pretty intensely private person, particularly since we had kids. I was much more open with mixing work and family life when it was just adults involved.

But I'm content moving forward based on the enthusiasm part, which is there, and of course the fact that he's using his words. I don't mind pressuring someone a little, as long as I know that they want me to

That is the hottest thing I've read all week. Looked at through that lens I would say that you already have enthusiastic consent, though it may not (yet) be EC for other things by establishing this sort of wanting it feels to me like you're playing for Team EC. Go you! and good luck.

[flexagon]

Regarding the "coming out" business, I meant socioeconomic diversity (growing up poor), not polyamory. :-) I did in fact take polyamory off the list of topics for the public dialogue. We have a poly email list at work that I'm on, so the poly people know I'm poly, but I haven't talked about it much at work either.