Stupid boys, stupid work, ugh

[flexagon]

I spent the last week slowly getting over jetlag, which I knew would be difficult. My circus private lessons were cancelled, I was out of sorts, and everything just felt strange. I don't love my new vibrating toothbrush. Plus I had a feelings-hurty episode with someone on Wednesday (from the genre "did you have to say that?") that I was unable to properly cry about until Saturday and Sunday. He's taking a lot of responsibility for the pattern of his actions and that's excellent, but... ugh, I wish I were so secure that I could never randomly be hurt by a comment. Too much to ask for, but wouldn't it be nice?

On a poly note, at least things with the other two are quiet and good right now. I only really have energy to angst about one at a time, so that's somewhere between a short-term mercy and a long-term requirement. Anyway, I'll take it.

I had a new thought related to work, which is "what if the thing I want to do with my life next, after reaching financial independence in a few years, is best done from within Zillian? Should I be trying way harder to make things feel way more sustainable, in case the answer to that is yes?" . I did a peer coaching session with a friend, and that may prove useful but I don't know yet. All this is in the context of suddenly having a new manager, who got the job I had kind of been aspiring to. I had started to think that my manager might wait for me to grow into it... but that idea is obviously blocked now, and most thought of the next level with it. Feh. This could simplify life but it also removes a fairly clear way to mentally organize the chaos that comes through my inbox every day, so now I'm back to just churning through the mud for cash (unless I find a more meaningful organizing principle, which is probably a decent idea, but in the meantime here comes a bunch more mud).

At least I was an absolute beast in the gym yesterday. I did a 65lb TGU on my left side for just the second time ever, and a lot of backbend kickovers.

Comments

[randysmith]

Sympathies on all of that, in different ways. I support finding a more meaningful organizing principle and more sustainability, even if you are only aiming at a few years--a few years is a real chunk of your life.

(I've been flip-flopping similarly with regard to work. I think I need to accept that the company I want to be working for isn't the company I am working for, mourn that, and move on, which moving on may well be keeping the same job, but with a different attitude. Chewing on it.)

[flexagon]

Interesting and promising. If you choose to make such an attitude shift, will it be the first time you haven't rage-quit?

Way back in 2008 I had to seriously mourn the job I thought I had. Turns out I did get that job eventually but I had to become a TLM first, which took rather a while (and now I've lost it again, but this time by choice).

[randysmith]

> Interesting and promising. If you choose to make such an attitude shift, will it be the first time you haven't rage-quit?

If the attitude shift results in my staying for a while, it's almost impossible to say :-}. It's like divorce--you can't know you're not going to rage-quit until you leave for some other reason. And if I get to a place where I can be emotionally comfortable and engaged, I don't think I'll quit, at least in the short term--there are a lot of advantages to staying and not much I'm strongly pulled towards outside.

[flexagon]

Well you can always not rage-quit this time, just like you can know you aren't divorcing over a given argument. :)

FWIW I pretty much just identify with my PA now, and with my site. Both are plenty large enough for me to feel like I'm aligned with something of substance.

[randysmith]

Well, then, it definitely won't be the first time I haven't rage-quit :-}.

And yes, identifying with a smaller company subset I have more faith in is one of the paths I'm thinking about.