flexagon | (no subject)

Well, after four days on the job now... things are falling into place ridiculously well. It's not just the way the people are more mature and how they all are actually focused on what Politic Frog is doing (though maybe it is), and it's not just the way they're getting me up to speed in the fastest possible, but still sensible manner as opposed to letting me stay confused (though maybe it is), and it's not just that, with only half a year at the company this year to do it in, I'm double-maxing-out my 401(k) and still taking home almost as much as I was at DSB (though maybe it is). There's a lot of emotional stuff going on too.

First, the "it's interesting" factor. I don't think I had any idea how deadly bored I really was at DSB until I started being interested in stuff all day again (uh, not counting that 140-page document on software processes). OH MY GOD does that ever make a difference... like my soul is no longer slowly dripping down between the threads of my Aeron and departing my body. The focus and interest of other people around me is great too, rather like the familiar background buzz of a good city. And speaking of focus... I've been doing a wild experiment in not slacking off at work. That means, to date, no LJ, no personal email, indeed no use of the web for things other than work and computer setup. I have never gone so long without doing those things at work. Trying it was made much easier by the fact that everything else was also changing, of course. But you know what the funny thing is... I find that I'm less stressed that way. Like I don't feel responsible for keeping my friends' email inboxes happy, knowing the national news, knowing what's going down on LJ, etc, anymore, and without those things I have less to stay on top of because I only have to stay on top of work. Isn't that bizarre? I think somehow those personal things, added all together, had turned into a stressor without my ever knowing it. Of course that's in addition to the slight guilt of knowing I was slacking whenever I was doing those things too much.

I could have easily checked personal mail today at lunch, and I almost did, but decided the purity of the current situation is too good. I don't want to break the absolute innocent whiteness of it all until I know for sure that a small slip wouldn't mean a big slip.

And here's another thing that's weird. This job's been associated a lot in my mind with new clothes, as you'd expect with the combination of more formal place, lots more money and being right across the street from a mall. So, I've been buying and wearing things that are more businesslike than I would normally have worn to the last office--pants that aren't jeans or cargo pants, nice little sweaters, and button-down shirts. And I've also been shopping for those things, more or less continually. Now, I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've given myself full permission to spend money on nice clothes or just the fact of shopping for them with full thought of wearing them regularly, but wow, has this been feeling good. It's odd because I love soft, casual, informal clothes--but now I think there's been a huge amount of feeling "not good enough" associated with always dressing that way even at work. I'm an engineer, it was fine, and yet... I didn' t realize I had that emotional baggage until I started forcing myself to drop it. Guess what? I'm worthy of dressing professionally if I feel like it. It's just as appropriate to my station as dressing in another way would be. *puts foot down* And so there, world.

(By the way, I fully realize that there's a very funny side to all this, because my idea of dressing up is wearing button-down shirts from Old Navy. Go ahead and laugh, all you preppies. I'm making progress at my own rate here.) :b

Sorry for the babbling, but I ran into