Whaddaya know, the Bible was right...

[flexagon]

Dust thou art, and to dust thou shalt return. Today, you see, had a lot to do with dust. Not gold dust and not Dust from the His Dark Materials trilogy either, just the plaster/grout/drywall dust that was all over the house. We spent maybe 90 minutes sweeping, Swiffing, vacuuming and Windexing... moving couches, rolling rugs... all with cheering results until I realized I haven't even started on my usual weekend cleaning yet. It sucks. We need a full-on Contractor Invasion Recovery Plan.

I've been feeling weird about something lately. I've always thought I was a stingy and ungenerous person, for a couple of reasons... I grew up being told that I was, for one thing, and in general (it's true) I tend to resent doing things for others if, say, I don't want to (which was probably the case a lot when I was a child). I also have always had the rather Ayn Rand-ish notion that you should really only give people stuff if you actually want to on some level--I came out with a well-formed point of view on this topic when I was like 6 years old, according to my parents, and it's part of why I've always hated formal thank-you cards. When I grew up I added my definite liking for giving and receiving fairly small gifts to the list, and basically never questioned the whole thing, just accepted it as a personal failing. Well, it happens that I mentioned as much in passing to AJ and RC the last time they were over--that I wasn't a very generous person, that is. They looked at me like I was nuts, and then started listing that I'd just made them dinner, I gave RC a birthday and housewarming present, I gave AJ a basket of food, etc, etc, while I spluttered yeah but... yeah but.... It was weird. They seemed like they had... reasons. When they were gone I started thinking over my to-do list for the week and it included more stuff to be done for other people than I would have thought. And the Dale Carnegie kids definitely seemed to feel like I'd done something for them too (as an experiment, at graduation I told them that I didn't always think of myself as someone who had a lot to give, and out bugged their eyes just like AJ and RC's).

I don't know, guys. I still prefer to give and receive small presents, like books, rather than ones that actually cause the giver fiscal discomfort. I've been trying since last year, as a result of seeing MUCH higher levels of giving in the hiddenbear / bluechromis crowd, to crack my wallet open a little more, which hasn't killed me. And I always give housewarming gifts. But actually being perceived as a giving / generous person by my friends makes me feel ridiculously fucked up and guilty... like, maybe I'm mostly just trying to follow the social rules and it isn't generosity at all, and I'm lying to people or something. Because I know that deep inside I'm not really generous. Right? o.O

Ugh, I've been wanting to get that one off my chest for a while. I don't understand why it feels so pretentious to even start wondering if I'm normal along this axis. I know I'm nothing compared to some people who are reading this. But I also don't even know what I want to be anymore. Okay, posting this now before I lose my nerve.

Comments

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

Wow. That really surprises me! Not that you've done a lot for me in person (although you've been generous with your advice, support, time, etc. with your thoughtful/thought-provoking replies to my entries), but I have never gotten a stingy vibe from you at all.

If your childhood was anything like mine...when I started kind of "waking up" with the Mom thing, I realized that all my life I had carried the unspoken belief that I had to give until I hurt, "If you're not hurting you're not sacrificing enough." I felt selfish, too, because with that kind of thinking you don't give enough until you're dead. It's a martyr thing going that far, and it never seemed right to me.

It's the little things that mean the most, and add up the most. Frankly, if you were stingy you would not have so many good friends. You would not have HLM. So pat yourself on the back...you're doing a good job.

[flexagon]

Ah... the Mom thing. It's such a joke, some German guy with a mustache saying "Szo... tell me about your muzzer." But really, everything does seem to start there sometimes! You guessed about right... my mother was a self-sacrificer, which it seems to me I was born hating. Self-sacrifice is stupid and only limits the good you can do--even if the whole point is to help other people you can still help more people if you're okay yourself. So there. Grrrrr.

I dunno if this post really was about stinginess at all, or just about the label... what it all means, what matters. But thank you for your reassurances and thoughtful reply, because whatever it was, it was definitely bothering me and now is bothering me less. :)

[artana.livejournal.com]

*laughs*

I have the same issue with thank you cards. My mother is from a very formal upper class crowd (El Salvador) and her friends get insulted if personal thank you cards aren't sent. Me, I give the gift and that is all, why do I want something in return?

I prefer to give small gifs too, btw. Sure, you can buy something for lots of money for someone, but a lot of times the small gifts you can give them say a lot more about how you understand them. For instance, anyone can buy a set of china right? But, just the right book by your friend's favorite author that s/he didn't have the money to buy? See...

[flexagon]

Yay, it isn't just me, it isn't just me! *dances*

When I was 6 my mother was trying to get me to write a thank you card, and I said in my squeaky little voice "But didn't they want to give it to me?" Heh.

Now, much later, I understand there are complexities to that (like, they wanted to give it to me but they may also have wanted to do something else, and they had to choose). But, you know, other than that I never did change my mind. And I don't like getting the stupid cards any more than writing them.

Off-topic: jeesh... I sure hope E and V don't make Birdie write thank-you cards. *shudder* If they do, I'll make it very clear to her that she doesn't have to write them to me.

[webfaery.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much the same with formal thank-you cards. My m-i-l was very offended over the first few months I after I met her, because I never sent formal thank-yous. I always figured that saying thank-you in person, or emailing thank-you said it well enough.
She also always made me very uncomfortable with the amount of money she spent on gifts - usually gifts she loved and I hated.
I don't spend much on gifts, except for family if I see a real need. Even on family I won't spend big just for the sake of spending big.

[bluechromis.livejournal.com]

I believe thank you cards are for when you open a gift and the giver isn't there to receive your hug/thanks. If you thank them in person then no worries, or if you're good friends where formality isn't required.

As for your generosity, there's a lot more to generosity than the expense of gifts. As you pointed out, you are very generous of yourself in ways other than fiscal. It really is the thought that counts, and an expensive-but-thoughtless gift is much worse than a simple, thoughtful one. Also, I whole-heartedly agree that people shouldn't give gifts they don't want to. That goes against the whole concept of a gift, I think.

Personally, I really enjoy picking out and giving gifts, so I don't feel the "expectation" thing very much. Plus, me being me, if I particularly don't want to give a gift and I know the recipient expects one, that's a valid reason enough for me to skip it. I know that I get into the whole fiscal freedom thing more than you do, but I've never ever thought of you as anything other than a very solid friend, fiscally or otherwise, and you shouldn't feel obligated to change your ways.

[flexagon]

...and you shouldn't feel obligated to change your ways.

I guess you're getting a book for Christmas then. :D Haha, actually I have no idea. I do agree with you on the enjoying picking out and giving things though--ever since I started having money enough to not stress about it, Christmas shopping has become a long and interesting version of solitaire for me.

I've never ever thought of you as anything other than a very solid friend

Awwww. Thanks... *melt*

Oddly, I haven't worried about actually being a bad friend (to the select people who get to be my friends, of course) in a long time. Nope, wasn't worried about that at all... just figured I was a good, stingy friend. Because that really makes sense.

Labels. We hates them, yesssss pressscious.