Whaddaya know, the Bible was right...

[flexagon]

Dust thou art, and to dust thou shalt return. Today, you see, had a lot to do with dust. Not gold dust and not Dust from the His Dark Materials trilogy either, just the plaster/grout/drywall dust that was all over the house. We spent maybe 90 minutes sweeping, Swiffing, vacuuming and Windexing... moving couches, rolling rugs... all with cheering results until I realized I haven't even started on my usual weekend cleaning yet. It sucks. We need a full-on Contractor Invasion Recovery Plan.

I've been feeling weird about something lately. I've always thought I was a stingy and ungenerous person, for a couple of reasons... I grew up being told that I was, for one thing, and in general (it's true) I tend to resent doing things for others if, say, I don't want to (which was probably the case a lot when I was a child). I also have always had the rather Ayn Rand-ish notion that you should really only give people stuff if you actually want to on some level--I came out with a well-formed point of view on this topic when I was like 6 years old, according to my parents, and it's part of why I've always hated formal thank-you cards. When I grew up I added my definite liking for giving and receiving fairly small gifts to the list, and basically never questioned the whole thing, just accepted it as a personal failing. Well, it happens that I mentioned as much in passing to AJ and RC the last time they were over--that I wasn't a very generous person, that is. They looked at me like I was nuts, and then started listing that I'd just made them dinner, I gave RC a birthday and housewarming present, I gave AJ a basket of food, etc, etc, while I spluttered yeah but... yeah but.... It was weird. They seemed like they had... reasons. When they were gone I started thinking over my to-do list for the week and it included more stuff to be done for other people than I would have thought. And the Dale Carnegie kids definitely seemed to feel like I'd done something for them too (as an experiment, at graduation I told them that I didn't always think of myself as someone who had a lot to give, and out bugged their eyes just like AJ and RC's).

I don't know, guys. I still prefer to give and receive small presents, like books, rather than ones that actually cause the giver fiscal discomfort. I've been trying since last year, as a result of seeing MUCH higher levels of giving in the hiddenbear / bluechromis crowd, to crack my wallet open a little more, which hasn't killed me. And I always give housewarming gifts. But actually being perceived as a giving / generous person by my friends makes me feel ridiculously fucked up and guilty... like, maybe I'm mostly just trying to follow the social rules and it isn't generosity at all, and I'm lying to people or something. Because I know that deep inside I'm not really generous. Right? o.O

Ugh, I've been wanting to get that one off my chest for a while. I don't understand why it feels so pretentious to even start wondering if I'm normal along this axis. I know I'm nothing compared to some people who are reading this. But I also don't even know what I want to be anymore. Okay, posting this now before I lose my nerve.

Comments

[webfaery.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty much the same with formal thank-you cards. My m-i-l was very offended over the first few months I after I met her, because I never sent formal thank-yous. I always figured that saying thank-you in person, or emailing thank-you said it well enough.
She also always made me very uncomfortable with the amount of money she spent on gifts - usually gifts she loved and I hated.
I don't spend much on gifts, except for family if I see a real need. Even on family I won't spend big just for the sake of spending big.