flexagon | Floaters and sinkers

I went to my gynecologist Friday for my annual checkup -- something I actually love doing (despite the pap smear) because I love my usual nurse practitioner so much. And also, I admit, because not every day starts with people telling me several times, in delighted voices, that something about me is perfect--who can resist an ego boost like that? Yes, doctors get rather excited about me... it's cute. And I got to tell my NP's adorable new student about Essure. And now I know I'm okay for the year.

So, point #1 -- go to your gynecologist, unless you are a man, in which case you still need an annual checkup from someone but it's not a gynecologist. If you get a clean bill of health you'll feel great, and if you don't, then you're much better off knowing the whatever-it-is you'll find out.

The rest of this post is for a very funny handout I picked up at the gyno's about bacteria, your butt, floaters vs sinkers, and why you want your logs to be spongy (their phrasing, not mine). It may help to imagine it printed on bright orange paper. In fact, through the miracle of HTML I can remove your need to imagine.

GOT YOUR HEAD UP YOUR BUTT?

When it comes to food and mood, chances are: Yes!

Scientists recently discovered that there are about as many nerve cell endings in your intestines as there are in your brain.

Now, think about it. You are one flush away from the Boston sewer system. Yeah, get it? That shit is snuggled right up against your intestine cells. And if you think about it a little more, your intestine cells are much like the skin on your cheeks. The cells have just traveled around the corner and up or down the tube, depending on what end you are starting from.

Well, it turns out that your intestines are a whole ecology system. What grows there depends on what you eat. There are about 200 species of bacteria living in the warm dark damp 25 feet of tubing called your small and large intestines. The bacteria that thrive are the ones who get their favorite groceries. Notice how the poop in a baby's diaper has a certain smell, and that may be real different from yours? Well, a baby lives just on milk, and so the bacteria that live on milk are the ones that rule the show.

OK, here's the question: when you go to the bathroom, #2, do the stools float or sink in the toilet? Yup, do you have floaters or sinkers? Read on.

So who are the top-dog bugs in your intestines? Does it matter? Sure does. Bugs of the Lactobacilli clan, and some distant cousins the bifidobacter, are the ones that produce the best grocerties for keeping intestine cells nourished and in good repair. The lactobacilli clan have names like Lactobacillus acidophilus, L. plantarum, L. casei, and L. Rhamnosus. Some of these names might look familiar from a yogurt cup. Favorite food for all these characters is fruit pulp. If you eat fruit 3-4 times a day, these guys thrive and your guts stay in great shape. One way of knowing if you have a good lactobacilli population setting up shop in your intestines: your poop floats. Remember, fruit-fiber-floaters.

OK, so it floats, big deal. Well, yes, if you are producing spongy logs that float, you're doing a good job: gut cells are in good repair. It turns out that the cells lining your intestines send out various distress signals when they are not happy. A new recent discovery is that cells lining the intestines of kids with autism are pretty messed up, not in a good state of repair at all. Other experts are looking at a long line of emotional conditions including conditions at the other end of the spectrum: attention deficit disorder (ADD) and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and thinking about gut cells. Where am I going with this?

Nerve cells talk to each other with chemicals called "neurotransmitters". These chemicals circulate in the brain as well as the intestines. Whether nerves are over-firing or under-firing, it seems like gut cells may have something to do with the communication wiring. Kind of like, "When the signals travel, how's the reception?"

Gut cells are holding back a lot of toxic crap; remember, keeping the Boston sewer system from leaking into the body. Cells lining the intestines also make a number of groceries and proteins useful to the body. Germ-fighting cells that patrol the lungs get their start in the intestines. Amino acids that are the building blocks for antioxidant (anti-inflammation) enzymes are born there too.

You feeling sluggish? You feeling restless? You feeling like your emotions toss you around more than you'd like? While many forces could be contributing to these feelings, think about the old saying: "Get your shit together." Maybe those highs and lows and swings might not be quite so extreme if you intestinal ecology system was in better shape.

How about a 3 week experiment? Feed your head! (both of them). Eat:

FRUITS: 3 per day... fresh, dried, canned, it doesn't matter. Juices don't count throuh, not enough fiber to feed the lactobacilli. An apple a day, plus a banana or peach or pear is a great start. Carry around some raisins or dried apricots so you don't miss a fruit snack.

OATS: the fiber in oats is like caviar for the good gut bacteria. Eat a serving a day: instant oatmeal, slow cook oatmeal, even a cup and a half of Cheerios is great. Granola is ok a few days a week.

VEGETABLES: Back a few thousand years ago, you used to eat 6 or 7 bags of leaves and shoots a day. Keep your system tickled with at least one box of vegetables a day. The frozen boxes are 2 cups. It doesn't matter when you eat them; just eat 2 cups a day as part of your commitment to gut ecology.

Today's Date _____ Floaters? ________ Date in 21 days _______ Floaters? _______

Let us all know how you're doing!

Note: I would happily attribute this to the author, but there is no name on the paper.

Sadly, mine are sinkers. Plunk. Must... try... harder... must... make... spongy... logs....