This is a dumb roller-coaster, I want off

Oh man. I'd been feeling better, but yesterday I spent lunchtime sobbing in a phone room and Googling "amygdala trigger" and "what to do in panic attack" (not because I was having a no-reason actual panic attack, but because it was absolutely a surprising episode of intense fear/grieving stuff). The internet proved amazingly helpful there, I must say... this page is very nice with its focus on "it will subside no matter what you do, so overcoming it is not your job, making yourself more comfortable is your job."

And there are some amazing PTSD forums out there. Mad props to this and this. I hope my dad knows about those. I really liked looking around for five blue things, and the CBT 5x5 technique of naming 5 things you can see, 5 things you can hear, etc... all intended to focus on the present.

Anyway, I'm tired of not posting. I'm not going crazy. People are behaving super unpredictably in areas I care about, and if you think I'm bad with ambiguity, holy crap, you should see how I deal with shocky surprise. I'd say I'm working on it, but I'm not. Right now I'm just trying to get through without ruining anybody's entire year.

I know it's not the good thing, I know it's not the right thing, but kinda I want to....

I feel like it has to turn the corner at some point, but so far, having similar surprises over and over again is just making it all that much more sensitive.