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flexagonDear Internet,
Give me your theories on why men don't generally seek out women who are high earners. I am, of course, talking about the heterosexual dating scene in the USA, there being lots of other dating scenes but none that affect me and my friends quite so directly.
The argument for a spouse (mate, partner) who brings home the bacon is pretty obvious, right? If both of you bring home the bacon, then the two of you have double bacon. Each of you can live in a strange but lovely world where all joint purchases are half-price, because you buy them together. If either one of you brings home enough bacon then the other can work less or even stay at home -- but the case I'm mostly thinking about is someone who already works, and looking for someone else to be with. Women instinctively seem to understand my bacon-math... men, well, the guys I'm thinking of could be trying to date people who earn what they earn, but they're not.
Theory #1 (from a friend) is that men want to be taken care of -- so they want someone who has time to make them a high priority, and who isn't super stressed about her own work. This is reasonable enough, but it doesn't seem like it needs to be gender-specific. After all, I like being petted and made a priority too.
What gives, boys? I'm not even asking why men don't want to be supported by women. I'm mostly just wondering why they don't look harder for people who earn the same amount they do.
Sincerely,
a DINK who doesn't understand gender issues
P.S. It was either this or a long list of the petty little things I'm grouchy about today. Cooking artichokes, grrrrr, so not worth it.
Give me your theories on why men don't generally seek out women who are high earners. I am, of course, talking about the heterosexual dating scene in the USA, there being lots of other dating scenes but none that affect me and my friends quite so directly.
The argument for a spouse (mate, partner) who brings home the bacon is pretty obvious, right? If both of you bring home the bacon, then the two of you have double bacon. Each of you can live in a strange but lovely world where all joint purchases are half-price, because you buy them together. If either one of you brings home enough bacon then the other can work less or even stay at home -- but the case I'm mostly thinking about is someone who already works, and looking for someone else to be with. Women instinctively seem to understand my bacon-math... men, well, the guys I'm thinking of could be trying to date people who earn what they earn, but they're not.
Theory #1 (from a friend) is that men want to be taken care of -- so they want someone who has time to make them a high priority, and who isn't super stressed about her own work. This is reasonable enough, but it doesn't seem like it needs to be gender-specific. After all, I like being petted and made a priority too.
What gives, boys? I'm not even asking why men don't want to be supported by women. I'm mostly just wondering why they don't look harder for people who earn the same amount they do.
Sincerely,
a DINK who doesn't understand gender issues
P.S. It was either this or a long list of the petty little things I'm grouchy about today. Cooking artichokes, grrrrr, so not worth it.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-22 12:42 am (UTC)In terms of your main question ... this is hard to judge. It's even harder, as I'm not sure how useful looking into my own heart is--I at least *think* I've love to be involved with someone who makes as much (nay, more; support me, support me! :-}) as I do, but since I'm not, maybe I'm hiding some interesting neuroses from myself because they aren't being rubbed in my face, you know? Having said that, I'm going to assume I don't need to second guess my self-perception, and toss out some random thoughts.
I do perceive in myself a sense that I need to provide household income enough to live on. Someone I'm involved with has the option of contributing or not, but I don't have that option--if I'm (life partner level) involved with someone, and we're not making enough money to live on, that's a failure in my responsibility. I could imagine that that could lead to some interesting mental twists; people's expenses often rise to meet their income (not always, I know, but I think you and I are exceptions to a general trend). If you're living above the ability of your income to support the couple/family, you're not making enough money. And if you get involved with someone who makes approximately the same level of money as you do, that could easily happen. Not a real plausible guess, but I don't think impossible.
On a more psychological level, I think gender patterns and power dynamics within a relationship interact in some interesting and strange ways. I perceive there as being a very strong feeling of vulnerability in many (het) men towards women. And I really believe that power dynamics matter in relationships, whether they're consciously chosen and worked with or not. If men feel in themselves very emotionally vulnerable to women, they may feel like they need to have the financial power otherwise the relationship doesn't feel even--if the woman involved makes plenty of money *and* is good looking *and* is smart *and has a good personality, why would she stay with "me"??? :-} :-|. (Yes, I realize this makes men in general sound like insecure wimps. What do you think the macho posturing is a cover for?? :-} :-|.)
But at the end of the day, I don't feel like I have a lot of insight. I've dated women making more than me and it didn't seem weird. It was the exception rather than the rule, though.
no subject
Date: 2010-11-26 04:24 am (UTC)Very interesting; thanks for your response. This is a whole new kind of "two income trap" that I hadn't thought of. I guess the bug and I are both doing our job, by your definition -- we could both live on either salary (though we wouldn't be able to save very much under either condition, and neither of us would like it).
I agree 100% that power dynamics matter in relationships; I think about them all the time and, not coincidentally, wouldn't want to be the supported partner for mostly power-related reasons.