Kind of up in the air

[flexagon]

 ...on a Virgin America flight, using the wifi and slowly putting together what might be a promotion packet and might just be an updated set of quarterly accomplishments & internal Zillian resume. Because I can't really decide whether to go up for promo, after all. So I'm spending this plane flight slowly going over my old achievements, catching up on the recording thereof. (Really I'm just aggregating. I already have them written up on a daily and weekly basis.)

I need Galahad to understand me better. I forced him into doing so yesterday. I sent him a pop quiz and the single question was "Why does flexagon want to go for promotion?" I told him it was worth 500 points. He played along and I have his answer a score of 300... not bad, but not so deep with the understanding either. He is afraid this specific bid for this specific level at this specific time means a lot to me, that I might take it hard if the committee (which will be made of strangers, somewhere else in the world) says no.

Actually I just want to stop torturing myself about having a "growth expectation trajectory". 

Comments

[elbren]

I don't really know you well, and I don't know Galahad at all, but that line of logic sounds like some fucked-up gendery shit, like if you weren't as insistent, you'd be written off for not wanting it enough, in a classic cultural double-bind meant to keep women from advancing. (Which can totally be unconscious, not like he's deliberately trying to keep you down).

Treating you like you aren't enough of a grown-up to handle rejection could also be a veil for his fear that you might have a totally reasonable response to rejection: looking for better opportunities elsewhere.

[a-kosmos.livejournal.com]

Of course it means a lot to you! You're putting a lot of time and energy into this. At the same time, you are resilient, and you've faced--and gotten through--way more difficult things in the past.

As for the phrase "growth expectation trajectory," I don't know what it means, but it sort of makes me anxious.

[apfelsingail.livejournal.com]

*hugs* That was a really good question to ask him, actually. What did he think of his score? And did he realize that actually getting this promotion might in some ways be the worst case scenario?

[flexagon]

True. I think I've only put a lot of time and energy into this because I am making it way too hard on myself, but that's only a working hypothesis.

The important thing about "growth expectation trajectory" is that it doesn't apply to the next level up. Also, it's culturally fine to try and fail -- there's no negative repercussion, really, unless I take a "no" really hard. Which seems unlikely since I like my current level.

Ah, mind games. Hope your qualls studying is going well. :)

[flexagon]

Thanks. I have my moments. :) He accepted his score without argument. When I got done saying ..."and what flexagon seeks is sustainability", he said "This seems like something important that Galahad should understand about flexagon. So that was good.

Then we had a brief one-on-one this week in which we decided I should go for promo, and I worked on my packet until midnight last night. No emotional trouble at all... it's so strange, it seems like I have to freak out and cry during the early stages of the process, but then it's like a critical step I'm all done with and don't need to do twice.

[flexagon]

Interesting! I'll be honest, I had not caught a whiff of gender-smell about this one. Galahad has pretty legitimately seen me be upset about official performance feedback before, and so I think it was reasonable to raise the issue of "what if I get really upset". However, I've been aware all along of self-nomination rates of males vs females, and not wanting to be one of those people who buckles when a guy would have more likely been more aggressive about self-nominating.

[elbren]

A logical response to "what if I get really upset" would be to know in advance when the answer would come and schedule in a good three whole days of comfort/cope. If you get rejected, you can take care of yourself before getting back into work; if you get promoted, you get some time to celebrate and figure out how the heck you're going to execute the new position.