Clamming

[flexagon]

So there's some medium-big stuff I haven't written about here, that I won't write about here. (It's more or less over.) Funny thing about me is that I accept these "don't talk about it" deals willingly; and I keep my word; but then if there's something on my mind that I feel I can't share, I have a tendency to clam up entirely, about everything. I feel confused, stuck, like someone pressed my "mute" button.

The canonical example of this is surely the way I didn't write to my grandparents for, uh, ten years, after agreeing with my mom that I wouldn't tell them about my biological child Birdie. I finally decided it was more cruel to not write than to keep a secret (one little secret... but I hate them), and I was writing regularly just about every two weeks until something else came along that I decided not to tell them about. For the last year I've barely written.

I think probably this reliance that I have on complete freedom of speech is non-adaptive, that I should learn to get more comfortable with limitations. I don't even know what goes on in my head to make it happen though. Maybe I consider it normal to talk/write about the thing that's most on my mind; so if I write/talk about B when A is really on my mind more, it feels deceptive.

Any comments or advice, citizens of LJ who maybe don't write about everything?

Comments

[khamsin.livejournal.com]

I'm the opposite - this is one of the primary reasons I DO write here these days. Most of my LJ people are disconnected from my regular life, and so this feels like a safe place to work through things on which I need feedback (or grievances that just need to be aired) without dealing with the oft messy in person stuff.

It sucks when even this space doesn't feel safe or quiet enough for the things that are really on your mind.