Another decade-type anniversary

[flexagon]

She said do you remember a time when angels?
Do you remember a time when fear?
In the days when I was stronger
In the days when you were here, she said.
When days had no beginning
When days had no end
When shadows grew no longer
I knew no other friend, but you were wild...

I'm pretty sure Tom left me just about 10 years ago (luckily, I never marked the day). Tom, who taught me to look for the "both" in situations that scream "either-or", Tom who brainwashed me into believing I was beautiful when I didn't believe it at first, Tom who gave me my sexuality. Tom, my first great love out of two. (Okay, so it's true he also shattered my stupid little heart, which the other great love has been kind enough to refrain from so far.) Ha... when I think how insufferably arrogant we both were that year, it makes me laugh. Wonderful stuff. I'm lucky to have had that at all. I know we weren't together for all that long in the scheme of things, so you might wonder why it still matters, but... formative years are not just for toddlers, and between the summer of '93 and '94, I was clay in the hands of one hell of a sculptor. It's not something easily forgotten.

I'm not so easily swayed anymore, and I love HLM very deeply, and I've gone into the nerdiest of jobs while Tom was perversely proud of going to a college that didn't even offer engineering. I bet we're making different decisions about children, about money, about everything except cats. And yet... I sometimes wish he could see me now.

I'll leave the comment feature on, just in case you now want to talk about your first love.

Comments

[miyyu.livejournal.com]

My first "love" (I'm not even sure I like that word, but it's what I mean and what you mean so...) was a big ball of pain, guilt, and evil. We had nothing in common but lonliness and sex. And he was mentally ill but decided that was my fault. I abdicated my life for him and I am still ashamed of that. My proudest moment was that I left him and *I* ended it and kept it that way.

That relationship taught me exactly what should NOT happen in a relationship. It makes me appreciate Martin even more. I don't think I would have known to look for him had I not known that pain.

[artana.livejournal.com]

My first love was much like Miyyu's. I'd had a bad summer, where much of the basis for my reality had been kicked out from under me. Suddenly, I was floundering and I met this one person.

He was abusive and arrogant. The only thing I can say for that is that I too ended it. And I drew a line in the sand that he could not cross and did not waver from it.

To remember your first love as you do (even if he did break your heart).
I would give a lot for that.

[flexagon]

Yeah, I'm luckier than I thought I was the summer my heart was in splinters (the summer before I left for college, btw). A lot of people seem to have started with the bad apples. Sorry to hear that it happened to you and miyyu. :(

Me, I kept most of the bad stuff for my second relationship... sigh... but that's all right too, that one ended eight years ago right about now.

[miyyu.livejournal.com]

No need to be sorry, but thank you for the thought. I have pretty much figured out what was his fault and makes him an asshole and what was my fault and made me learn.

[webrat.livejournal.com]

You already know about my first 'true love' (or so I thought).. the I caught in bed with another guy. ;)