Loneliness (the book)

[flexagon]

I'm reading a book on loneliness (title: Loneliness). There's a UCLA Loneliness Scale that I found an online quiz for... it's not even a great quiz (different people might easily have different ideas of what "Rarely" and "Never" mean, for instance) so it's interesting how well it correlates to a whole host of life situations.

The quiz confirms that I'm not subjectively lonely, though I have been in the past (I'm either not-lonely or on the borderline of low-normal, depending on my answer to one question). Lioness apparently is lonely, way into the high range, and chronically so. Clinically speaking, that fits really well with her tendency to feel threatened and also to push people away. Fits for two of my other friends, too. I really hadn't realized. What I'm learning is that long-term loneliness can seriously mess a person up, from reading a social environment as more hostile than it is to premature aging (wow). And the opposite, that feeling grounded in companionship can have good ripple effects.

Most interesting nuggets from the book so far:

• Very lonely people are more sensitive to social cues than most, but they misinterpret them (generally as being more hostile / negative than they really are).


• The English language doesn't have a good simple word for not-lonely, or for not-thirsty.

Now go chat your friends.

Comments

[coraline]

<3

[randysmith]

They didn't have the right answer to "How often do you feel completely alone?" Not often enough! :-}

I suspect I am somewhat lonely (I score at the normal loneliness end of "moderately lonely" and I'm a bit wary of my constant, background wish to have more time to myself than I do, though I also rated several things "rarely" without being able to think of examples just because I distrust scale extremes). But I also feel there's something quizzes like this miss, somewhat related to the above joke; there's value in time really communing with oneself.

[flexagon]

Yes, the quiz misses it, but the book doesn't. And it doesn't miss the notion that different people need different amounts of connection either; turns out it's a mismatch between what you want and need that causes the subjective issue. To quote a sentence I just read:

"It was the subjective sense of loneliness—not a lack of objective social support—that uniquely predicted depressive symptoms, chronic health conditions, and elevated blood pressure."

[rye]

It's interesting to me that these sorts of tests tend to emphasize responding as knee-jerk as possible (I recently took a similar sort of eval in which they explicitly told me "the more you think about your answers, the less valid the result will be") -- in that it's really the self-perception that matters more than either objective things or even a more thinking-brain thought-out comparison between one's want and need.

I imagine also not being able to adjust that self-perception after circumstances/times change could lead to that disconnect between the subjective sense and the objective social support, too. (Maybe I should just read the book. :) Sounds really interesting.)

[bolson]

according to the quiz i'm extremely lonely. yup. health effects? yup. does the book have any tips for getting better?

[flexagon]

Still reading... it's not a self-help book though, and one amazon reviewer even says "I don't recommend this book to anyone who is affected by loneliness. As someone who is very lonely, I am well aware about how it negatively impacts my life."

https://www.amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283/

That said, I'll keep my eye out for actionable ideas. There are also workbooks and things that show up on the Amazon page, like this one that I know nothing about:

https://www.amazon.com/Leaving-Loneliness-Workbook-Building-Relationships/dp/0615860893/

The most obvious thing I can think of right now: if a person knows that they are (likely) reading social signals as both stronger and more hostile than necessary, perhaps a bit of a mental filter can be applied to compensate. I'm sure that only goes so far, though.

Also, snuggles turn out to be super good for people...

[flexagon]

OK, update: the book basically recommends a combination of CBT and a conscious, ongoing effort of reaching out and initiating small interactions (without expecting miracles). Again, it is not a self-help book and there are others that are.

Not specifically for loneliness, but it also mentions that active coping strategies (trying to DO SOMETHING about problems) are way better for the vascular system than passive coping strategies. Both raise blood pressure but in different ways. That was interesting. So not as a loneliness strategy but for health, I guess keep trying to do something about problems.

I had not initially thought of you when counting the obviously-very-lonely people in my life. You know one of the others, and the two of you don't get along at all. Multiple reasons for that, of course (there are always multiple reasons) but it sure does make sense in the context of loneliness. Two people who each pick up on a bunch of subtle signals and then interpret them as more hostile than intended are not very likely to become besties.

[apfelsingail]

I should probably read that book. I'm in this odd space where I absolutely have some amazing people in my life who I totally adore. I have a social life. And I've also pretty much always been at least somewhat lonely for most of my life. The reading of social environments as potentially hostile stuff sounds like it could be relevant; I'm pretty shy and mostly figured I just have a certain amount of social anxiety going on. It's really surreal to wonder whether that's even true, or whether it's actually chronic, long-term loneliness. Weird.

Imma go back to researching fun stuff like basement waterproofing and asbestos testing/abatement now. :)

[flexagon]

Interesting... the book didn't make me think of you initially but there is perhaps some pattern of reading social signals as a little extra-hostile. A tricky thing to judge, since sometimes social signals ARE hostile (or at least are gentle signs that more closeness isn't wanted), and it can be annoying when people miss those signals. I think I missed a batch of those from Lioness so I'm speaking of myself here.

Still, when a generally good person seems to feel "exclusion" vibes very often, then it seems reasonable to at least wonder what's up. <3